April 12, 2014
"It's funny how one insect can damage so much grain." These words from Elton John's ballad and tribute to John Lennon rang true in my head yesterday morning on my way to work.
I pushed "replay" and listened to the song again. And again. The words flowed over me and it was as though I could hear Jesus saying to me:
"And I've been knocking but no one answers
And I've been knocking most all the day
Oh and I've been calling oh hey hey Johnny
Can't you come out to play?"
I replaced "Johnny" with my name. I heard Jesus whispering to me that I had been too serious lately, that I needed to play, in the garden--the empty garden--with just Him.
"But Lord," I whispered back, "why is my garden empty? Why have my works produced no grain?"
"It's funny how one insect can damage so much grain." The song played on. What was the insect that damaged my produce, what was the thing that caused my garden to not prosper as I knew it should have? Was it my pride? My being "ahead of my time" for the things I had to share? My being in the wrong place at the wrong time?
The song continued and the tears, hot and furious, poured out of my eyes. I reflected on some of my many efforts at sharing the things Christ has shared with me; how some were successful while others tended to be disregarded by the masses that I was so carefully trying to cultivate. And then I realized: I did plant some seeds. I did do some watering. But it's God--it's YOU, God--that must provide the increase. My garden is empty--in some ways--but it won't always be so. One day I shall see the fruits of my labor and realize the time I invested in trying so (too?) desperately to share my faith was not in vain. While saddened that I may not get to see it this side of heaven, my gentle hubby reminded me last night that it's not about me and if I could just keep that in my head, then my rewards will be so much greater. God will do with my blog, with my stories, with my life what He wills. "Remember Who you are writing for, Stef," he told me. Sigh.
Dear God,
I ask Your forgiveness this morning as I have found myself once again caught up in the flesh. My intentions are pure and my motives are sweet ones. Yet....yet I started making it about me, worrying that I wouldn't be published, worrying that not enough folks were reading my blog, worrying that if I didn't self-promote then the world would just be floundering about, not knowing what to do with itself unless the great and mighty Stef showed them the way.
What a disgrace I am! What pride I have that needs to be shoveled out of my garden. What pruning needs to be done so that my tree and vines can grow, can flourish, through YOUR increase. Not mine.
If I never have another story published, if no one ever reads my blogs, help me God to not care, to not feel diminished but to keep writing for You. For You, Lord God. You are my audience and it is Your approval and commendation I seek most. Please take away my pride and humble me to be Your servant is my prayer this morning. I ask it in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
