I Have A Dream!

I Have A Dream

♫Dream.  Dream dream dream. Dream...All I have to do is dream♬  The Everly Brothers sang this tune way back in the day.  Dan Hartman sang “I Can Dream About You” in reference to an unattainable love.  Trace Adkins sang of dreaming out loud while Clay Walker crooned about doing it with his eyes wide open.  Fleetwood Mac also had a hit with their song and poor Carrie Underwood wished her life was just a dream--and a bad one at that that she could awaken from.  And who can forget the Mamas and the Papas hit about California dreaming--especially on these bleary winter days?  Kenny Rogers and Kim Carnes warned folks not to fall in love with a dreamer and then there was the classic Elvis song “If I Can Dream.”  Lastly, although there are many more tunes I could reference, let’s not forget Cinderella’s take on this:  A dream is a wish your heart makes.

A quote by Henry David Thoreau I happened upon while researching for today’s blog tells me:

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

Meanwhile, Proverbs 16:3 (ESV) tells me:

Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.

Yesterday, I asked God specifically for fulfillment of a dream I have had for some time now. I outlined the reasons why this dream should be a reality, told Him of the usefulness it could provide if it was to be accomplished, and reminded Him (as if!) of the gifts He had already given to me to make this dream come true. I pondered on it for the umpteenth time and later, after our Bible Study on Job, I told Steve about it and asked his agreement with it so that we could mutually--as well as individually--pray about it and seek God’s will for it. Having a spiritual cohort along for the journey sure makes the trip more pleasant!

As we discussed what part to play in this unfolding drama, we wondered how much help God needed to make it come true.  I mean, after all, He could just speak it into existence if it lined up with His plans, right?  Didn’t He tell me in Psalm 37:4 for me to delight myself in Him and He would give me the desires of my heart?  Mmn hmn:  He sure did.  He also told me in Jeremiah 29:11 that His plan was to give me hope and to give me a future, as well as to prosper me.  Yes, He most certainly did!  

So, as we pursued this line of thought and truly felt that this dream of mine fell under those categories, we still pondered what type of activity was needed on my part to give this dream some legs and get it upright.  A few ideas were tossed about and we settled on one, well two, for now.  After all, there are certain things I must be proactive about if I am to show myself approved for this venture.  Committing myself to perfecting my end of the bargain and then having God season it with His blessings and special touch go hand in hand.  For you see, without His approval and guidance, this dream could turn into something that becomes all about me instead of it being all about Him.

Therefore, as I close today’s blog, I encourage you to pursue your dreams as well.  If they indeed line up with the promises God has already made, then why are you slumbering instead of living the dream?  Make the Monkees proud and be a daydream believer and scream along with Steven Tyler “Dream on: Dream until your dreams come true!”  After all, Who do you think placed these thoughts in that sweet little head of yours?  “Sweet dreams are made of these and who am I to disagree?”

Let’s pray!

Dear Lord, as I have bantered and sung my way through this blog, I rejoice in knowing that You made promises to Your kids so that they could live lives full of joy.  This dream of mine?  You know what it is and You know the likelihood of it coming true.

As I begin more earnestly than ever to doing my part, Father, I ask You to not let me get ahead of myself, of You, or to do something that compromises the dream from being something that honors You and brings You fame into something that becomes all about me.  For You know, Father, my flesh wants some accolades too as this potentially becomes something shared with my world rather than kept in the secret places of my heart and mind.  And my soul.  You know my insecurities and desires to be heard, to be acknowledged, and yes, to be acclaimed rather than going to the grave with nothing to show for my life.  Keep my pride at bay, I ask, so that this endeavor takes root and grows stronger, long after I am gone.

Oh Lord!  Help me, I pray.  Help me to seek Your will above my own.  Open doors for me to walk through where the person on the other side is welcoming me with anticipation.  Sharpen my mind and soften my tongue.  I commit this work to You, Father God, this dream, as my offering of praise for a small part, a token, of what You have given to me and blessed me with.  Show me which paths to take and which to avoid.  Guide me to folks who see my vision and want to be a part of it.  Encourage me when the efforts appear to fall short and nudge me when I get tired and feel hopeless.  I know those times will come.  But greater is He--YOU!!--that is in me than he who is in the world.

May this dream bring You delight is my earnest plea, asked in the name of Jesus Christ.  Amen and amen!

The Bridge That Still Burns

I don't want to write this blog today. It's kind of like taking a bandage off of a wound and wondering how much it will bleed. Better to leave it covered, right? For even just taking a little peek will open my mind up to the covered injury there whereas if I leave the band-aid in place, yes, the sore is still there but...but I don't have to deal with it.

But it's too late. It's been itching lately and if I don't scratch it, I'm liable to go mad. Too many reminders are out there that it exists and each day--as if I could ever forget--the hits just keep on coming.

Today I got the news that a friend of mine's mother passed last night. Finally, for she has been suffering for a while and we all knew her days were numbered. Lois knew her end was near and my friend was able to spend a lot of quality time with her mom before this was to take place. Though I barely knew her mom, Lois' reputation was solid. She sounded like one of those characters you might see on a sitcom, full of wit and wisdom, sarcasm, and didn't take life so seriously. I know Brenda will miss her greatly.

And then there's another friend of mine, Gloria. She lost her mom two weeks ago, after an extended illness. Like Brenda, she knew the end was near and was able to spend countless hours with her mom, as well as her dad, and create memories that will bring her some comfort through the rest of her life.

I envy these women. While the situations mirror those of my own mother, I didn't have the relationship with mine that they did with theirs. The last time I saw Momma alive was two months before the cancer finally consumed her. The gulf was so vast between us then and there was this one final opportunity for her to cross the bridge and come back to my side but...She chose not to. She left me behind, again, setting the bridge on fire, and now as I ache with these friends of mine, my hurts are just as real and just as painful as that day. You'd think after three and a half years, they would have subsided but no. That burn is still there, covered for the most part, until something bumps it and makes it throb all over again.

Sigh.

I'm not sure how to conclude this blog today or what I am really even saying other than love hurts. Love scars. It stings; it mars. But it also loves beyond conflicts, over family squabbles, and will never fail. I have this promise from Jesus and I am clinging to it now with tear-filled eyes. The loss of a parent is devastating. One never really gets over it. The loss of any loved one is tremendous and the effects forever lasting. But there's hope. For some. For those who love Jesus more than self, there is a promised reunion rather than an eternal separation. Reconciliations and forgiveness still go on so for those of you who are facing the death of someone you love--or maybe even your own--so I encourage you... No, I beg of you: make it right. Make sure of your own salvation first and foremost. That is crucial and the better part. Swallow your pride and forget the past and its miseries. The present is what matters and it's all we've got. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us so again, make things right today with those whom you've wronged and/or been wronged by. The cost is too extreme when you don't.

Let's pray.

Dear Lord, as my heart aches for my lady friends whose moms are gone, I'm not sure how to reach out to comfort them. For if I go and commiserate with them and offer the platitude of "knowing how you feel" it's a lie, because my relationship with my mother was less than desired. If I go to them and just hold their hands or them, my grief over my own loss might consume me and I don't want this to be about me when they are the ones whose pain is so fresh. That's why I have avoided Gloria, as You know, because my sore spot with my mom is so raw. I don't want to weep with those who mourn because I want this part of my life that is in my past to stay there.

Oh God! Help me to be a good friend and when the time is right and I can handle my own emotions and focus on them and their heartbreaks, then let me reach out to these ladies.

Lastly, I ask that You make Yourself real to people today in a bigger way that they cannot avoid, cannot put off. Send something to remind them that eternity may be just a breath away and theirs needs to be secure. May their--and my own--eyes focus on You and see this life is not about us and what we get from it but rather that it's all about You, Lord God, and what we do to reflect You.

In the name of Jesus, I cry out to You. Heal our hurts, Lord, so that we may better serve You is my prayer. Amen.

Can Good People Go To Heaven?

Can good people go to heaven?  I'm serious!  Can those who have been good for as long as they can remember actually make it to heaven?

No.

What?!  What in the world are you writing to us today, Stef?  What kind of blasphemy is this?

It's not a lie, friends.  But I'm afraid too many people I know have become a victim of it.  For you see, you have to be a sinner to be saved.  And from what I am witnessing lately, too many of those close to me are just too good.  They haven't horrible pasts nor skeletons lurking in their closets.  They have lived a good and upright life:  going to church weekly, staying faithful to one person, raising the required 2.5 kids.  They go to work without fail.  They pay all of their bills and are model citizens, voting in each election, attending all of the right meetings and conferences that are community related.  They keep their yards meticulously, their cars without dirt, and their smiles are always in place as they call out to me when I see them on the streets, in the stores, next door.  What's best yet is often they also come from perfect parents who never drank, swore, nor cheated and...you guessed it:  they have themselves reproduced perfect children who are the bedrock of the schools, the star athletes, the A students, the chorus and band standouts.  None of these would know sin if it came up, introduced itself, and declared it had been hiding behind their facades so that they would be fooled into thinking they ever had need of a Saviour.

Oh come on Stef!  If these folks were bad, don't you think they'd repent?  That they'd confess?  I mean, after all--as you stated above--they are in church every time the doors are opened.  Don't you think if they were lost, they'd know it by now?  Do you not believe the Word of God has been preached to them and at some point It convicted them and they made a profession of faith?

No.  Sigh.  I don't.

I do think that yes, the Word has been preached to them.  Yes, they made a profession of faith, got baptized, joined their family's church (ahem), and live their lives without blemish and their reputations are soild.  Wait: my fingers typed the wrong word.  That should be "solid" but... Freudian slip, perhaps?  "Soild" looks a lot like "soiled" doesn't it?  Hmn.  Makes me wonder if these wonderful saints have ever been tainted, have ever been sullied by the world, and if--yes, I'm going to say it again--if they have ever sinned.

Just as a doctor cannot heal you until you admit you are sick, a Saviour cannot redeem you until you acknowledge you are lost.  When I feel good, you will not find me at the Urgent Care center seeking treatment.  I don't go there to have my blood pressure monitored because I don't have issues with it.  I don't routinely visit the Cancer Centers because I am not suffering from this debilitating disease (thank God!).  You won't find me at the hospital either, undergoing scans and tests because, you see, I am healthy.  However, when you do examine me, you will see me often at the House of God.  You will find me actively participating in the sermons and lessons as I write down notes and thoughts that I later follow up on.  You will often hear me (sorry, but it's true) lifting my voice in songs of praise and petitions.  You can visit me in my Pretty Purple Room and see my Bible opened to a new page almost every day (and no, it's not because it's in front of a window and the breeze changes the pages).  Lastly, you will hear me at night with my husband, praying, pondering, and pleading for more knowledge, more wisdom, temperance, and help.  So much help.  Why?  Because I am a sinner.  Not "was" a sinner but "am" a sinner.  In my own self, I am beyond wretched and my condition can only be treated by the Great Physician Who long ago called me to Himself.  

I had to admit I needed Him.  I couldn't help but share with Jesus how awful I had been and how I was afraid would continue to be bad without some help.  I had to tell Him that in my own self I was helpless, lost, and without hope.  And then?  Then it was easy!  I just had to accept His pardon.  I just had to realize Christ Jesus was in control and that my life was not about what He could do to clean me up:  it was instead what He could do to mold me into His image so that others to could come to a saving knowledge that they too were--are!!--in need of Him as well.

Let me back up a moment and reiterate that it wasn't "easy" to let go of me.  In parts.  I had a lot of baggage that I kept trying to carry into this new relationship but you know what?  I didn't need those clothes of despair!  I didn't need the trunks of broken dreams and unrealized hopes.  I didn't need the letters of reminders of who I used to be for I was now a new creation.  Lastly, I didn't need those chips on my shoulder that I was carrying around and being weighed down by.  They kept me stooped over when my eyes only needed to be on Jesus.  So... eventually, I let them go.  It would have been easier had I (like Brother Matthew aka Levi, The Tax Collector) just left it all behind without a second glance and joyfully accepted the new life, the forgiveness of my sins, and not rehashed them all with Christ through the next several years.  I tend to be a little slow sometimes and refuse to take help when I am too stubborn to think that I need any.  Or too prideful.  Or don't want to put someone out with my problems.  

Do you see where I am going, friends?  If not, let my try to sum it up here.  

1. I am not a saint.
2. I am a sinner.
3. I can not save myself.
4. I need salvation, forgiveness, and sanctification.
5. Jesus offered it to me.
6. I accepted!
7. I have been redeemed!

Let's pray!

Lord, please make a message out of this jumbled mess of thoughts of mine and use these words to let others know--to know, Lord!--that none of us are good.  Yes, in our own selves, we try to live lives that are blameless and we do our best to not cause waves and to be humble and quiet and mind our own business.  But Lord?  Lord, even if we do all of this, there is still need for You.  There, sadly, is still sin in our lives.  We can't escape it and we lie and fool ourselves if we think we are above it.

Help us to constantly be aware, Father God, that were we so good then You wouldn't have had to watch Your Son die such a violent and obscene death.  Easter was celebrated yesterday.  Don't let us wait another year to think of this tremendous sacrifice and contemplate the sinners around us but rather, Lord, help us to acknowledge the sin that so easily besets us on a daily basis.  Help us to see it's me, it's me, it's ME oh Lord.  I am the one who cost You Your Son.  It was my wickedness and pride and sin that made His crucifixion necessary.  

Thank You for this unspeakable gift of redemption, Father.  Thank You for saving me at Christ's expense.  Amazing love, how can it be, that You my King would die for me?  

Sigh.

 In the name of Jesus Christ, I again claim this gift and thank You so much for it.  Amen.

Are you a shameful sinner or a sorry saint?

Huh?  What kind of question is that?  A "shameful sinner"--what does that even mean?  And "sorry saint"?  Please explain!

Okay, since you asked, I will.  First though, let's simplify things a little.  In the course of this blog, I will refer to shameful sinners as "ss" and sorry saints as "SS" so that I won't have to repeat those phrases so much.

There's a difference between being ashamed about something and having sorrow over it.  Steve and I have been pondering this for a couple of days now and so apparently, has our good friend James MacDonald.  Throw in incidences from our grandsons, our selves, and worldly issues and it's been quite the wandering event going on here, as you can see in this picture.

Why do we teach our children to say "I'm sorry" when an infraction has occurred?  Sure, we want them to be polite.  We want them to acknowledge another's pain.  We think they need to learn how to behave better.  But what about when they have to apologize but...but they aren't really sorry?  Gulp.  I mean, sure, maybe it could have been handled differently but to be sorry when deep inside we are glad we did what we did?  After all, didn't that one have it coming to him/her?  I have found in trying to teach this lesson that it can go into a barrage of guilt and shame in trying to make one child apologize to the other when I could see his heart was not in it.

Ahh, the heart.  The heart that controls our emotions, our feelings, and our deepest desires.  Heads?  Heads teach us reason, to rationalize, and to mandate to society.  Hearts though are special, tender, and stubborn.  To admit we were the one who was wrong, that it was our poor choices that led to this climax, and that we are then the ones who have to humble ourselves?  Hmn hmn hmn.  That's when things can get tricky.

Let's switch gears a moment and talk about shame.  Shame too involves our feelings but the key here is that that is what it's about:  our feelings.  Me.  Mine.  Shame is often internalized and while we may battle its effects, it's a private battle that we let few (if any) in on.  We can have disgust at ourselves, at our tendencies to do wrong things--and make no mistake:  we know they are wrong.  Shame hides in the dark (hmn hmn hmn) and hopes no one finds out its ugliness.  Shame doesn't want others to know of our embarrassments over our fetishes and foolishnesses but when the truth comes out?  Oh my.  Shame has two choices then.  It can either say "The world accepts this behavior.  Who are you to judge?"  Or, it can lead to to sorrow, godly sorrow, that leads to repentance.

Can you be sorry without shame?  I don't think so.  Can you have shame without being sorry?  Definitely.  While ss like to keep things hidden, SS have to outwardly express their wrongs.  They are brought into the light and dealt with there.  Shame has turned into "not judging" and "accepting the sin" rather than the sinner, as many of us were taught.  Thanks to society, many sins that are daily committed are not even classified as being wrong anymore.  Instead, they are embraced, welcomed, and glorified even.  My friends, this ought not to be so!

We all have tendencies within us to do evil.  The difference is when we act upon them.  When we justify them and make them right in our own eyes, we are headed for trouble.  Things like homosexuality, murder, vindication, adultery, stealing, cheating, lying.  Oh be careful Stef:  you are about to step on some toes!  Yeah, mine are pretty sore themselves because I am certainly not sinless.  Jesus taught us that if we look upon another with lust that we have already committed adultery in our hearts.    He taught us to love our neighbors as ourselves and I'll tell you what:  there are some of my neighbors that I would bend over backwards to help out at any given moment.  But then there are some that...well, it'd be tough for me to love them without a lot of assistance from the Good Lord.  So, you see, I am far from perfect myself, friends.  Have you ever heard the expression "some folks just need killin'"?  Yeah, it's hard for ol' Stef to wait on the promised vengeance that is God's.  Let's not even talk about the things my mind conjures up to help Him out in that department.

To conclude and hopefully bring this blog into some semblance of sense, we are all sinners.  We all fall short of the glory of God.  We all need a Saviour.  Christ Jesus is the Final Authority:  not the government, not society, and not the Constitution which has been rewritten.  The Holy Bible is full of men with faults who had a choice to make--just like you and I do.  Will we be shameful sinners and hope our sins don't get found out or will we repent, will we return to God, and will we humble ourselves and admit our failures?  Sorry Saints are in the light and their difference from shameful sinners is that they went the next step.  For you see, ss know that what they are doing is wrong.  They aren't kidding themselves.  They cry out to God for Him to take away this burden but they don't go the next step, the step that SS do:  they don't turn from their sin.  They keep on practicing it.  They don't intend to stop.  SS, on the other hand (and please pardon the pun), will cut off their arms, pluck out their eyes, and flee from evil in their repentance.  Whatever it takes, they will do to be right with God.  Relationship with Christ is their hearts' desire above all, above the selfish desires of self.  What God says versus what they want is their intention.  

So, what are you sorry for today?  Did you commit that act on purpose?  What do you feel deep shame over--or maybe just minor shame since we really aren't that bad?  (Ahem)  Will pride, guilt, and selfishness keep you from Christ or cause you to run to Him?  He's standing there, with arms wide open, to welcome you back.  He loves you in your sin, oh yes but...but He cannot allow you to continue in it and expect that He accepts it because you and Him have an "understanding" that the Bible was written for everyone else except you.  Repentance was defined as being "a recognition of sin followed by heartfelt sorrow culminating in a change of behavior" in James MacDonald's messages recently.  Do you need to change your behavior today, loved ones?  

Sigh.

Let's pray.

Well, Lord, here I go again, preaching to the choir.  Sigh.  You know the depths of my sins, Father, and the things I fight against giving into.  You know my pride, my sense of feeling I am the right one while it's mostly everyone else who is wrong.  You know my shame, oh my shame, Father, over things I have done and truthfully, often still think about doing.  

I need a cleansing, Lord.  A detoxification.  It's me, again, oh Lord, who stands in the need of prayer.  As my heart continues to war with my head, with my flesh, with my society, please stay in the forefront of my mind.  It's surely a battlefield up there, God, and I keep forgetting to put on my whole armor.  I keep forgetting that like the impotent man, I have no man to do this for me.  It's me.  My choices and my decisions.  My want to get up and walk or my desire to stay in the pigsty like the prodigal son.  

Thank You for giving me the option to rise, Lord.  With my hand in Yours, I will not stumble.  Hold me tight, I pray!  In the name of Jesus, amen.

Empty Garden

April 12, 2014

"It's funny how one insect can damage so much grain." These words from Elton John's ballad and tribute to John Lennon rang true in my head yesterday morning on my way to work.

I pushed "replay" and listened to the song again. And again. The words flowed over me and it was as though I could hear Jesus saying to me:

"And I've been knocking but no one answers

And I've been knocking most all the day

Oh and I've been calling oh hey hey Johnny

Can't you come out to play?"

I replaced "Johnny" with my name. I heard Jesus whispering to me that I had been too serious lately, that I needed to play, in the garden--the empty garden--with just Him.

"But Lord," I whispered back, "why is my garden empty? Why have my works produced no grain?"

"It's funny how one insect can damage so much grain." The song played on. What was the insect that damaged my produce, what was the thing that caused my garden to not prosper as I knew it should have? Was it my pride? My being "ahead of my time" for the things I had to share? My being in the wrong place at the wrong time?

The song continued and the tears, hot and furious, poured out of my eyes. I reflected on some of my many efforts at sharing the things Christ has shared with me; how some were successful while others tended to be disregarded by the masses that I was so carefully trying to cultivate. And then I realized: I did plant some seeds. I did do some watering. But it's God--it's YOU, God--that must provide the increase. My garden is empty--in some ways--but it won't always be so. One day I shall see the fruits of my labor and realize the time I invested in trying so (too?) desperately to share my faith was not in vain. While saddened that I may not get to see it this side of heaven, my gentle hubby reminded me last night that it's not about me and if I could just keep that in my head, then my rewards will be so much greater. God will do with my blog, with my stories, with my life what He wills. "Remember Who you are writing for, Stef," he told me. Sigh.

Dear God,

I ask Your forgiveness this morning as I have found myself once again caught up in the flesh. My intentions are pure and my motives are sweet ones. Yet....yet I started making it about me, worrying that I wouldn't be published, worrying that not enough folks were reading my blog, worrying that if I didn't self-promote then the world would just be floundering about, not knowing what to do with itself unless the great and mighty Stef showed them the way.

What a disgrace I am! What pride I have that needs to be shoveled out of my garden. What pruning needs to be done so that my tree and vines can grow, can flourish, through YOUR increase. Not mine.

If I never have another story published, if no one ever reads my blogs, help me God to not care, to not feel diminished but to keep writing for You. For You, Lord God. You are my audience and it is Your approval and commendation I seek most. Please take away my pride and humble me to be Your servant is my prayer this morning. I ask it in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.