{Today's blog is deeply personal and is written as I ponder the extreme pain of a friend who gave in to the lies of the devil. Why? Why, when she was surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses did she fall? The Lord had brought her out of this mess on more than one occasion and yet...yet she fell down again.
Her fall is my opportunity to rise, to do better, to be better. Father, open my eyes, my ears, my heart to those who are hurting around me that seem to have it all together, that look okay on the outside. May I look more deeply, Lord, to see if there is a need I can assist with. In the name of Jesus, I pray this. Amen.}But the Lord answered and said to her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things..."In the past, I have often taken the "ye" out of a Bible verse and replaced it with my own name. However, the scripture I will be referencing today--Luke 10:41--already has the correct name in it although I am sure by the time I finish this blog, mine will need to go where hers is. Maybe you too will find yourself there.
Sigh. The cares of this world. How they overwhelm us--in spite of our best intentions. We keep telling ourselves if we stay busy, if we read enough, sing enough, attend church and religious functions enough that somehow we will be okay. And oh the shows we put on! The pretty smiles, the joyful praises that come from our lips, the testimonies of what the Lord has done for us. And they are sincere, oh no sir: no doubt about the honesty of them. Our salvation is secure and we rejoice in that but...
But then comes time to go home. The house is empty. The walls close in. The memories come, as do the devil's demons. Taunting us of "better days." Reminding us of "all of those good times" while somehow erasing the times that weren't so good. So, we try to distract ourselves, read a book, play some music, watch some tv. And then it continues: those voices, those images, those thoughts.
We reach for the chips but they don't satisfy. We reach for our Bibles but for some reason they just don't seem as effective as they did when in the group study. We pray for deliverance but feel like they are unheard and unanswered. We tell ourselves we're just being silly, that God does love us, and that He will fix this brokenness inside. And we wait for Him to do so. And we wait. And we keep smiling, keep hoping, and keep coming back to that empty place where those demons are because we find some comfort in their companionship. At least we aren't alone, right, when they are there to accuse, to cajole us into former habits, and to take our eyes off of God? Instead of being still and knowing, we doubt. We fear. We ache.
We cave. Maybe just once we go back to those old ways and addictions we used to forget. The guilt is overwhelming but...but for a moment, one tiny moment, we forgot. We didn't hurt. The allure overtakes us and the next time, and then the next, and the next all blur into one mindless attempt to not feel and yet, yet the pain still comes. What to do?? "If it feels good, do it" the devil whispers in our ears. "It's only one time more: what can it hurt?"
The cycle continues until one day we realize we've fallen into that pit again. But, it took so long to get there that we truly thought we were okay. I mean, no one noticed the difference in us when we were using, right? We must've hid it pretty well, otherwise surely someone would have known, would have called us on it, would have smelled the alcohol on our breath, noticed those extra pounds, would have seen the tracks and/or burns on our arms, would have seen that there was something off in our mannerisms. Surely to God someone would have seen we were on the precipice, as off-balance as one can get, and surely someone would have reached out a hand to save us. Right??
Oh my friends, how guilty I feel at this moment. The ones I sit next to on the pews or shake hands with during fellowship or avoid at the end of the service 'cause they're always wanting to talk my ears off or are whining about something. The ones I pass in the stores or work with on a daily basis. The ones I live with and the ones I profess to being friends with. Am I? Am I their sister in Christ, their sister in the flesh, their friend? If so, how can they hurt this deeply and me be so blind to it?
But the Lord answered and said to her, "Stefanie, Stefanie, you are worried and bothered about so many things..."
Yes, Lord, I am.
Do you remember the rest of this passage, child? "..but few things are needed--or indeed only one."
But God? Sometimes I do sit at Your feet. Sometimes I do just sit and ponder on how great You are and all that You have saved me from. But Lord? Lord, I still feel so alone, still feel those awful hurts that are still jabbing inside of me. Sometimes I still feel the fury, the hate, the love, the sadness, the loss... And I know people get tired of hearing me talk about it. I see their eyes glaze over when I come near. I see them dismiss me before I even get a word out. I know they are just hoping I'll go away and leave them alone.
Oh child, I know. I know! Your struggles are real and more than they, I know how your heart aches. I know your strength is waning and you must, you must rely totally on Me. Those drugs, that alcohol, food, sex, shopping, gambling, and other things you use to distract can never take the place of Me. You must surrender all, ALL to Me. Only then can I heal you. Only then can release and relief be found. Only then can you be made whole. Will You trust Me, child, once and for all? Will you trust that I will--and want--to fix those broken areas of your life? Will you turn to Me in complete trust, faith, and take My yoke upon you? I won't let you down, love. Let these things go and hold onto Me. Surrender and be saved from the madness.
Oh Lord, I want to! I need help. I need Your help! I need...You.
That's why I am here, child. I love you and you are Mine. Nothing can pluck you from My hand. Are you ready to hold on to it, to hold on to Me?
