It's me. Again. Standing in the need of prayer.

I know I have written on this theme before and sadly, being the vile soul that I wish I wasn’t, probably will again.  Oh Lord:  when will You deliver me from the body of this death?!

Dramatic much, Stef?

Sigh.  Unfortunately, yes.

Do you ever burrow things up inside of you, choosing not to deal with them at this time, and then a certain circumstance comes along and you see your chance.  Oh no:  not to deal with it.  Heaven forbid (ahem)!  No, you see your chance to take out your frustrations on an inanimate object, one that can’t talk back, or be seen face-to-face.  One that “doesn’t matter” because, realistically, what are the chances of you ever being in this soul’s aurora anyways?  This “inanimate object” can be argued with over the phone, accused to via “Live Chat” (even though faces aren’t shown, only the written words), or through emails.  Funny thing though:  these “inanimate objects” are really people.  People who feel, who have a job to do, and mostly, they are real.  Just because we can’t see them doesn’t lessen our responsibility to treat them with respect and dignity as we would should we truly be face-to-face.

There are three big issues in my life that I am grieved with right now.  Wanna know what they are?  Well you can’t.  No offense, but I don’t need unsolicited advice, fake understanding, nor helpful words of Scripture.  What I need is a good kick in the pants and I doubt any of you out there would be willing to step up and do that, now would you?  What about a good smack upside the head?  Ahh, I’m sure I could get quite a few volunteers for that!  

What about praying for me?  I’m talking about a real heart-to-heart with God, fervent words that let Him know that your pal Stef is really messing up right now and much as you’d like to fix her, you know that God is the only One Who can.  

So, would you seriously petition Him on my behalf?  Can you take a moment--or ten--to bring my name up to God Almighty and ask Him to step in and work this out in me?  For you see, if He doesn’t, if it’s left up to me to deal with, I’m liable to mess up.  Again.

This morning, I did just that.  Oh sure:  I told myself I was perfectly within my rights to be angry.  And I was!  But somehow--because of my Big 3 that I’m dealing with--I forgot neglected the rest of the verse.  You know the one I am talking about?  “Be angry and sin not”  (Ephesians 4:26).  And boy did I sin!  Boy did I let my righteous anger out!  I mean, after all, someone should make this mistake right, right?  It wasn’t my fault the company messed up so why should I have to suffer (choke) for this error and why should I have to be put out and not get my merchandise in the time frame that was promised to me?

Did you just throw up in your mouth a little, suddenly realizing that ol’ Stef surely could use a kick in the butt and a smack on the noggin and you may just be the right one to do it after all?  Sigh.  I certainly don’t blame you.  As noted, I hold myself in contempt.  You should too.

Now there may be a kind soul or two out there that might tell me to not be so hard on myself, to not feel so badly about getting irate over poor customer service, and/or to just apologize and ask God to forgive me and it’ll be okay.  “It happens to all of us sometimes, Stef!”  

But you see, it won’t.  I won’t be okay.  For when I lose control of myself, when I let my feelings take over my sense, and when I get to thinking that I deserve such and such regardless of who has to be put out to make it happen, I hurt Him.  I hurt my testimony which in turn reflects on Christ.  It makes a mockery of all He’s delivered me from and suffered for.  My ministry which I have sought so hard to make be one that honors Him could be lost in a flash, over one stupid item that in the grand scheme of things is...is dung.  Foolish.  Certainly not worth the time, effort, and now the great shame that I feel over it.

Okay, I’ve got some apologizing to do and you have some praying to do.  I mean it.  If this blog affects you in any positive way and you get any encouragement, motivation, or inspiration from it, then you owe it to me to make sure that it stays afloat and doesn’t sink because I took my eyes off of Jesus for a moment.  James 5:16 says:  

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another,

that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a

righteous man availeth much.

I’m doing my part.  I am confessing to you right now my sin of anger, readers.  Please do your part and now pray fervently for me.  I need to be healed.

Let’s pray now.

Dear Lord, how ashamed at myself I am right now.  I thought of keeping this to myself and keeping it between You, me, and the ones I will soon be writing to, but Lord?  Lord, I need some help.  I need others to hold me accountable for my actions.  I need friends to sharpen me.  I need to stop telling others how to live and focus on living the right way--Your way.  I slip way too easily, Lord, stumbling over little pebbles that get in my pathway.  

I am sorry, Father, for my actions and my lack of control.  I wanted to be mad at something, someone, anything other than dealing with what is really the issue here.  My Big 3, I call them, and You know what they are and how they are really what is bugging me and why I so carelessly took my angst out on others.  As I begin to send out my apology notes, I ask You to use my words this time to be kind instead of hateful.  Temper me and bring me back into fellowship with You, Father, so that I can move forward or so that I can at least know that it’s time to stop, to stop trying to force things to happen that just might not should be going on in the first place.

I ask these things in the name of Jesus.  May His name not suffer for my poor choices is my prayer.  Amen.