I am the light of the world? Uh oh!

Do you ever question your salvation?  I’m being very serious here and need to have you readers validate my blog today.  Sometimes we all put on such a show that it’s a wonder Hollywood hasn’t come knocking to have us star in their next feature film about how everything is always fine, dandy, and how great God is when you are a child of His.

Yesterday as I was mowing, I was so mad.  Truthfully, I’ve been mad for a while now.  Not at a person--although the devil tried to bring several to mind and I could have easily fallen into that trap and agreed with him about their uselessness and carelessness.  I’m not mad at a corporation--but the political arena in front of me and the country surely can irk me whenever either choice for president of this land I love is on the air.  I’m not even mad at the weather--for its heat which is about the temperature of my blood boiling doesn’t even begin to describe what I am feeling.  I’m just mad!

For a couple of weeks, Steve and I have been studying the Fruits of the Spirit--that is, when we make the time to.  Between family, fixing things around the house, and other fluff, the time we take to study God and His Word often is pushed back until the end of the day when our minds and bodies are worn.  Talk about useless people!

In Galatians 5, Paul writes about what sort of deeds people who live in the flesh partake in.  I don’t think he leaves any vice uncovered and I am sure that was intentional on his part to show us all how desperately wicked and dirty we are.  Sunday at church--as is the norm when there are five of these in a month--the Lord’s Supper was offered.  As Pastor Dale expounded on examining ourselves per Timothy 2, my dander was up then.  How wretched, dirty, and black my soul was feeling!  I thought about getting up then and walking out: for you see, this anger has been simmering on the back burner of Stef’s Stove for a little while now.  Last night, as Steve and I once again discussed these verses of Galatians 5, I told him about my mowing incident and how I wondered why I keep going through the same issues if I am saved and why do they still plague me so?  I mean, seriously, some of the things that try to steal my joy are things that have been in my life for such a long time.  Will they not ever go away and leave me be?!  I thought I dealt with them but maybe I’m just not really saved after all, I questioned, because if so then why am I still so desperately wicked, so dark in heart, and why isn’t the love of Christ emanating from me as it should if I am indeed His?  

The hot tears seeped out of my eyes. The angst throbbed in my soul.  The hurts threatened to surface as I was torn between the Rock and this hard place that I seem to not find escape from.  Why if I am God’s child am I still so miserable, sad, and overwhelmed with certain obstacles that I just cannot seem to hurdle over?

“Do you think these things would bother you if you weren’t His?  Do you think the devil would throw them in your face if you weren’t making headway with them? Do you think they would trouble you if you weren’t saved, Stef?  Probably not, for then they wouldn’t matter.  You wouldn’t be concerned with this loss of joy, lack of peace, lack of fellowship.  You wouldn’t be pondering God’s Word and seeking His truths.  You wouldn’t care and wouldn’t try to be better.  Oh, and by the way, you aren’t the only one who goes through this.  You aren’t the only one the devil aims his bow at and shoots these fiery darts at, Stef.  Others too are his targets.”  

Last night as we worked on lighting up the gazebo, we had some issues with the light sets.  Some wanted to work while others didn’t.  I knew Steve had had a rough day and this icing on top of not having the lights work was nearly the final straw.  I prayed and asked God to please let the new fuse that Steve was putting in work.  Guess what?  It didn’t.  Ooookay.  Time for Plan B.  After spending over an hour in an awkward position after an already back-breaking day, Steve had had enough.  He took the lights down, went to get the simple strands that are quite basic in nature and much easier to deal with, and while I boxed up the pretty ones, he installed the Christmas LED light strands that are now hanging simply in my gazebo, offering a prettier glow, a more dependable light, and one that does the job just fine.

“What has this to do with your salvation issues, Stef?”  

Thanks for asking!  Simple light is the answer.  When I don’t complicate things by trying to be more obvious than what is necessary, I can better do my job.  When I don’t try to join up with others who aren’t interested in radiating and illuminating Christ, my teeny little shine may be feeble but it still burns.  Just doing the job of shining my little light--as the strands that are now filling my gazebo’s world--is all that is necessary.  If I could do the rest, I wouldn’t need a Saviour, now would I?  

As the process for examining myself goes on, as the works of the flesh become less evident while I endeavor instead to be more fruitful, my prayer is that these little doubts once again get shown the Light and my heart realizes God chose me, knowing full well what He was in for, and elected me in spite of my blemishes and flaws.  I can’t fix me and will still stumble but He promises to pick me up, to hold me with His hand, and to lead me to the paths of righteousness.  No, I’ll never be good enough, clean enough, or worthy in the world’s eyes but thank God, THANK GOD, His eyes see differently!

Let’s pray and get on with dwelling on the whatsoevers instead of the woe is me, shall we?  I think so too!

Dear Lord God, Father of Lights, and Lover of my soul:

Why You choose to fool with the likes of me is bewildering and the longsuffering You endure as I continually flub up amaze me.  I can only say “thanks” and offer myself to You.  Chasten me when I err.  Remind me when I doubt.  Use me when the time is right and when I’m not in useful mode, keep me from spreading my darkness on others.  You called me to be light, Lord.  May the light of Jesus beam forward from me is my prayer, asked in His name.  Amen.

PS

Lord?  Thank You.  Thanks for saving a wretch like me and loving me when I am most unlovable.  I love You too!

Call the doctor, call the nurse...

Even though my doctor is a sweet lady, I really don't like going to see her.  I really don't like having her tell me things I should do to make my life, my health better.  "Watch what you eat."  "You need to exercise more."  "Avoid stress."

Thanks, Sally, but I think I can figure this one out on my own.  

But when I am really feeling poorly, when I know my body cannot heal itself without some divine intervention (or at least a prescription of Amoxicillin), go to her I will.  I'll make the phone call, set up the appointment, be there when it's time, get checked up on, and then check out to go get said medicine.  In a few days, I am typically better.  Thankfully this is just a once or twice a year thing and I can tolerate seeing my doctor for this easy type of healing (even though by now you'd think we could just get antibiotics over the counter).

However, there are some things that I put off going to see Sally for.  Things that I don't really want to discuss with her. Maybe they are embarrassing or I know she--and possibly a few others--will be poking their fingers, noses, and such into my personal business and finding...Finding what?  I'm not sure I want to know.  Maybe it is a cancer.  Maybe it is broken and not just sprained.  Maybe a lot of physical therapy is going to have to be had in hopes of restoring an aching joint.  Maybe a mole will have to be removed.  Maybe I'm just better off not knowing and handling it myself.  Miracles still happen, right?

Yeah.

Our friend Stefan that laid by the pool at Bethesda for over 38 years:  do you think he liked doctors?  Do you think he had tried every miracle cure under the sun to no avail?  Do you think he read all of the self-help books and watched all of the infomercials to try to self heal?  And WebMD?  I'm sure if he researched his ailments he not only found that yes indeed, he did have a bad sprain but also the symptoms for TB, Diptheria, bone cancer, and maybe was even anemic.   Do you think he invested a huge sum in vitamins or other medicinal products that promised relief?  Perhaps he bought one of those special beds and a walk-in tub to ease his joint pain.   Maybe he tried some of those creams and jellies that were supposed to soothe those tired, aching muscles.  Those juice supplements?  He heard they tasted really nasty, but could be he tried them.  He might have spent his whole life savings trying to get better with little if any results.   Or he could have just been tight, a miser even, and decided to save those funds for a rainy day when he might really need something.  Yeah, better to just lie here by the pool and wait for that miracle.

Remind you of anyone?  Does this remind you of you?  

How many of us put off going to get professional help and we have our reasons all ready?  Can't afford insurance.  Don't have the time to take off work.  The weather is too yucky.  I'll be better in a few days. Those doctors are all just a bunch of quacks anyways.  Aunt Lucy had this and lived with it for 20 years so I guess it's just hereditary.  But did she really?  Did she really live or just...exist?

Ahh friends.  Is the real reason pride?  Could it be that almighty you is infallible after all?  Maybe you don't know everything.  Maybe you are scared.  Scared to get better.  Afraid that if you do get better, you might lose your benefits.  You might have to go back to work.  Meals on Wheels won't come to you anymore, bringing you not only a nutritious meal but also some company for a few moments of your otherwise solitary day.  

Today, I encourage you to examine yourselves.  Test yourselves.  As 2 Corinthians 13:5 tells us, see if Christ is in you.  I don't think Stefan had Him.  We'll discuss that more the next time.  For today, take a peek into your inner souls.  What's bothering you?  What needs fixed?  Is something so broken that only the Great Physician can do the miracle that needs achieved in order for your joy to be restored?  Do you need a heart transplant and a lobotomy for your brain to be able to distinguish truth from lies?  Whatever your need, know that right now, right this moment, I am praying for you but better still, Jesus has His sweet eyes on you.  Do you wish to be made whole?

Let's pray!

Oh Dear Father!  How my heart hurts as I write these words for those who may be suffering from diseases of body and spirit.  I ask on their behalves, Lord, for You to pay them a special visit today.  Come to where they are, God, for they are too helpless to make the appointment with You.  They are frail, needy, and oh how they hurt.  Comfort and heal them is my prayer, asked in the name of Jesus Christ.  Amen.