Do you ever question your salvation? I’m being very serious here and need to have you readers validate my blog today. Sometimes we all put on such a show that it’s a wonder Hollywood hasn’t come knocking to have us star in their next feature film about how everything is always fine, dandy, and how great God is when you are a child of His.
Yesterday as I was mowing, I was so mad. Truthfully, I’ve been mad for a while now. Not at a person--although the devil tried to bring several to mind and I could have easily fallen into that trap and agreed with him about their uselessness and carelessness. I’m not mad at a corporation--but the political arena in front of me and the country surely can irk me whenever either choice for president of this land I love is on the air. I’m not even mad at the weather--for its heat which is about the temperature of my blood boiling doesn’t even begin to describe what I am feeling. I’m just mad!
For a couple of weeks, Steve and I have been studying the Fruits of the Spirit--that is, when we make the time to. Between family, fixing things around the house, and other fluff, the time we take to study God and His Word often is pushed back until the end of the day when our minds and bodies are worn. Talk about useless people!
In Galatians 5, Paul writes about what sort of deeds people who live in the flesh partake in. I don’t think he leaves any vice uncovered and I am sure that was intentional on his part to show us all how desperately wicked and dirty we are. Sunday at church--as is the norm when there are five of these in a month--the Lord’s Supper was offered. As Pastor Dale expounded on examining ourselves per Timothy 2, my dander was up then. How wretched, dirty, and black my soul was feeling! I thought about getting up then and walking out: for you see, this anger has been simmering on the back burner of Stef’s Stove for a little while now. Last night, as Steve and I once again discussed these verses of Galatians 5, I told him about my mowing incident and how I wondered why I keep going through the same issues if I am saved and why do they still plague me so? I mean, seriously, some of the things that try to steal my joy are things that have been in my life for such a long time. Will they not ever go away and leave me be?! I thought I dealt with them but maybe I’m just not really saved after all, I questioned, because if so then why am I still so desperately wicked, so dark in heart, and why isn’t the love of Christ emanating from me as it should if I am indeed His?
The hot tears seeped out of my eyes. The angst throbbed in my soul. The hurts threatened to surface as I was torn between the Rock and this hard place that I seem to not find escape from. Why if I am God’s child am I still so miserable, sad, and overwhelmed with certain obstacles that I just cannot seem to hurdle over?
“Do you think these things would bother you if you weren’t His? Do you think the devil would throw them in your face if you weren’t making headway with them? Do you think they would trouble you if you weren’t saved, Stef? Probably not, for then they wouldn’t matter. You wouldn’t be concerned with this loss of joy, lack of peace, lack of fellowship. You wouldn’t be pondering God’s Word and seeking His truths. You wouldn’t care and wouldn’t try to be better. Oh, and by the way, you aren’t the only one who goes through this. You aren’t the only one the devil aims his bow at and shoots these fiery darts at, Stef. Others too are his targets.”
Last night as we worked on lighting up the gazebo, we had some issues with the light sets. Some wanted to work while others didn’t. I knew Steve had had a rough day and this icing on top of not having the lights work was nearly the final straw. I prayed and asked God to please let the new fuse that Steve was putting in work. Guess what? It didn’t. Ooookay. Time for Plan B. After spending over an hour in an awkward position after an already back-breaking day, Steve had had enough. He took the lights down, went to get the simple strands that are quite basic in nature and much easier to deal with, and while I boxed up the pretty ones, he installed the Christmas LED light strands that are now hanging simply in my gazebo, offering a prettier glow, a more dependable light, and one that does the job just fine.
“What has this to do with your salvation issues, Stef?”
Thanks for asking! Simple light is the answer. When I don’t complicate things by trying to be more obvious than what is necessary, I can better do my job. When I don’t try to join up with others who aren’t interested in radiating and illuminating Christ, my teeny little shine may be feeble but it still burns. Just doing the job of shining my little light--as the strands that are now filling my gazebo’s world--is all that is necessary. If I could do the rest, I wouldn’t need a Saviour, now would I?
As the process for examining myself goes on, as the works of the flesh become less evident while I endeavor instead to be more fruitful, my prayer is that these little doubts once again get shown the Light and my heart realizes God chose me, knowing full well what He was in for, and elected me in spite of my blemishes and flaws. I can’t fix me and will still stumble but He promises to pick me up, to hold me with His hand, and to lead me to the paths of righteousness. No, I’ll never be good enough, clean enough, or worthy in the world’s eyes but thank God, THANK GOD, His eyes see differently!
Let’s pray and get on with dwelling on the whatsoevers instead of the woe is me, shall we? I think so too!
Dear Lord God, Father of Lights, and Lover of my soul:
Why You choose to fool with the likes of me is bewildering and the longsuffering You endure as I continually flub up amaze me. I can only say “thanks” and offer myself to You. Chasten me when I err. Remind me when I doubt. Use me when the time is right and when I’m not in useful mode, keep me from spreading my darkness on others. You called me to be light, Lord. May the light of Jesus beam forward from me is my prayer, asked in His name. Amen.
PS
Lord? Thank You. Thanks for saving a wretch like me and loving me when I am most unlovable. I love You too!
