Don't Speak

As per the usual, it all started off innocently enough.  The end of the year is usually a time of reflection and tidying up those things that I want to compile and put in their rightful places as I prepare for the fresh start of 2016.

I like to keep back ups of my files:  pictures, emails, and things that I write.  I love technology but don't trust it to be around forever so I prepare in advance to have several copies of things in various places--just in case.  So, this morning as I was copying my WanderingThroughTheBible blogs, my eyes drifted to previous blogs and before I knew it, I was further back in time that I had planned on being.  And, as I wrote, it started off innocently.  I caught an error in one blog that dealt with a recent topic so I fixed it and then began to read the whole story.  This led me to check out a few others and before I knew it, the old hurts, yearnings, and missing of those who have passed filled my heart.  And that was okay until...

Until I caught the title of some of my blogs that took me over to the Dark Side.  Titles like "Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers," "K-Mart, Long John Silvers, or Me," as well as "He Was My Dad Too."  I read them.  I felt the pain wash over me again, still carrying the force of the tidal waves of emotion that apparently is just as strong since my eyes filled with tears and my heart ached with loss.  Some of the titles I didn't even have to re-read, for I knew that if I kept on with this I would be just where the devil wanted me:  stuck in the mire of the misery.

I wanted to end this year with a reflection of my life verse for the year so that is what I am going to do now.  The verse is from 2 Timothy 2:15 and reads as follows:

Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the Word of Truth.

I want to spend the time in this blog reflecting to see if I have done this.  Did I study God's Word?  Did I show myself approved?  Am I ashamed of what was and was not accomplished?  Did I rightly divide the Word of Truth?  

Yes, uhm, definitely, and mostly.  

As I ponder on all that has gone on these last 364 days, there was much more time in God's Word than ever before in my life, I do believe.  Did this make God happy?  Sure!  Did He approve when I persevered into seeking a deeper knowledge with Him?  No doubt (pun intended as you will understand with today's quote).  Do I need to be ashamed of the work I put into this endeavor?  Definitely!  While many hours were spent delving into these riches, many more were wasted on things that are just gonna burn up when all is said and done.  Lastly, did I rightly divide these truths I have been shown?  

Mostly.  Often.  80-85% of the time I did but that other 15-20%?  That time was spent still listening to the lies of the wicked one.  That time was spent arguing over doctrines that are over my head.  I daresay some of it was horribly wasted trying to convince others that my knowledge was right while theirs was lacking.  I'm sure a portion of it was spent trying to validate my reasons and rationalizations for my actions that were not as honoring to God as they could have been.  Rather, as they should have been.

So, as the year closes and the devil is still on my back, continually trying to bring me down and make me feel useless, worthless, and just a general annoyance to those who'd rather see cute pictures and read funny stories on Facebook and Blogger instead of my constant wanderings I have a choice.  I can listen to him and allow the defeat to consume me.  Pretty sure though that I have been there and done that a few times already.  Or, I can continue.  God said He'd use the foolish things of the world to confound.  He also said His Word would not return unto Him empty.  He said I was to love and use my talents for Him.  While not all of my blogs and stories are Pulitzer Prize worthy (I wish!), there are several of them that have been useful-- if to no one else but myself and my number one fan Steve.  

I entitled this blog "Don't Speak" in deference again to the passage used on the quote.  But guess what?  I am going to speak.  I am going to keep writing.  I'm still going to keep studying and one day find that approval of my Lord and lose my shame.  Tune in tomorrow as you read about my new life verse that I am so excited about!  

Let's end this year with prayer, shall we?

Dear Lord,

Thank You for this platform to share my thoughts, my doubts, my fears, hurts, and needs.  Thank You for the gift of writing that so often the devil tries to keep me from using and sharing with others who may be facing the same battles and trials that I experience.

Father?  Thank You mostly for Your Words that teach me.  I cherish them and want to read them over and over and glean the truths that are still waiting to be mined.  I want to read between those lines and ponder on what often isn't said but is implied and I want to discover what those implications are so that I may know You more deeply than before.

As this year concludes, I ask that I may be found worthy, Lord.  Through Christ, You have redeemed me but my work isn't finished.  There is so much more to do!  Mold me and make me more like Jesus so that I may without any doubt be acceptable in Your sight is my prayer.  I love You!  Amen.

Throwback Thursday? Yes, please!!

May 14, 2015

Do you know what today is?  No, that was yesterday.  Today is Throwback Thursday and it has led me to ponder on a couple of things that I hope you too will think about.

To begin with, who came up with this concept of remembering and sharing those recollections with all of Facebook?  Yeah, some of those pics of you as a kid are cute but others?  Some conjure up a life that is no longer and those reflections can be dimmed by sadness.

Next, the title of this:  THROWBACK Thursday.  Now, we're getting somewhere.  Because the past is gone, indeed let's do throw it back.  Waaaay back.  Isn't that why it's behind us?  Mmn hmn.

Paul told us in Philippians 3:13-14 that "I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."  Steve and I have been studying these verses the past couple of nights and last night he came up with a gem:  the past is something you have to live with not a place you have to live in.  

As he read me these words he had just penned from his journal, my head jerked up and I asked him to repeat them. "The past is something you have to live with not a place you have to live in."   Whoa!  Such wisdom from this man I am so thankful to call my husband!  Yeah, I'm sure it's been said before and pondered by us all but here it was, in a simple phrase, declaring this timeless truth:  the past is something you have to live with not a place you have to live in.

We don't have to live in the past but we do have to live with its consequences.  But, we do not have to let those choices determine our fates today though, now do we?  Nope!  We are not prisoners, enslaved to events that we may have had little if any control over.  Instead, we are more than conquerors, pressing ahead, reaching for the goal as we strive to be better day by day.  We don't have to walk around with our heads bowed low in shame.  Instead, we have been raised up, tried like gold, and are being refined in the image of Christ.  We are being made new daily, friends.  I don't know about you, but that gives me quite the sense of hope.

"...the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."  My journaling last night consisted of how I love getting gifts, surprises, and accolades for a job well done.  If I stayed in the past, I would see and believe that I am not worthy of any praise, of any acknowledgments, nor any tributes.  But through the blood of Jesus, through His example of how to live and love, and through the grace of God, one day in the future I will cross that finish line and be rewarded for the good I have done.  My past won't be held against me.  Those deeds done in the flesh won't even be counted but what I did--what I do each day for Christ?  Ahh, that's where the treasure is!  I can't change the yuck I did yesterday but today is a new opportunity to shine for Jesus.  May I be one of His brightest stars today is my hope.

Let's pray!

Dear Lord, there are so many Thursdays and Mondays (oh those Mondays) and other days of the week, God, that I wish I could forget and not have to live with the consequences of.  Foolish behaviours and silly, childlike actions that separated me from You are a blight on my record.  But Lord, now that I am an adult and have put away childish things, I can grow to be more like You.  I can see clearly how effective my actions are and thus I can be more careful in my dealings, knowing that they may have lifelong implications on others.

For all the times I failed You, Lord God, I apologize.  For all the times I wasted by looking back instead of pressing forward, I sincerely regret.  Lord, my life is but a vapor.  May it be a sweet one, I pray, and not one of stench.  May the good I do linger in the air as a sweet aroma, leaving those around wondering how this small piece of heaven was revealed to them for just a moment in time is my prayer.  I ask these things in the name of my precious Jesus.  Amen.