Don't Speak

As per the usual, it all started off innocently enough.  The end of the year is usually a time of reflection and tidying up those things that I want to compile and put in their rightful places as I prepare for the fresh start of 2016.

I like to keep back ups of my files:  pictures, emails, and things that I write.  I love technology but don't trust it to be around forever so I prepare in advance to have several copies of things in various places--just in case.  So, this morning as I was copying my WanderingThroughTheBible blogs, my eyes drifted to previous blogs and before I knew it, I was further back in time that I had planned on being.  And, as I wrote, it started off innocently.  I caught an error in one blog that dealt with a recent topic so I fixed it and then began to read the whole story.  This led me to check out a few others and before I knew it, the old hurts, yearnings, and missing of those who have passed filled my heart.  And that was okay until...

Until I caught the title of some of my blogs that took me over to the Dark Side.  Titles like "Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers," "K-Mart, Long John Silvers, or Me," as well as "He Was My Dad Too."  I read them.  I felt the pain wash over me again, still carrying the force of the tidal waves of emotion that apparently is just as strong since my eyes filled with tears and my heart ached with loss.  Some of the titles I didn't even have to re-read, for I knew that if I kept on with this I would be just where the devil wanted me:  stuck in the mire of the misery.

I wanted to end this year with a reflection of my life verse for the year so that is what I am going to do now.  The verse is from 2 Timothy 2:15 and reads as follows:

Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the Word of Truth.

I want to spend the time in this blog reflecting to see if I have done this.  Did I study God's Word?  Did I show myself approved?  Am I ashamed of what was and was not accomplished?  Did I rightly divide the Word of Truth?  

Yes, uhm, definitely, and mostly.  

As I ponder on all that has gone on these last 364 days, there was much more time in God's Word than ever before in my life, I do believe.  Did this make God happy?  Sure!  Did He approve when I persevered into seeking a deeper knowledge with Him?  No doubt (pun intended as you will understand with today's quote).  Do I need to be ashamed of the work I put into this endeavor?  Definitely!  While many hours were spent delving into these riches, many more were wasted on things that are just gonna burn up when all is said and done.  Lastly, did I rightly divide these truths I have been shown?  

Mostly.  Often.  80-85% of the time I did but that other 15-20%?  That time was spent still listening to the lies of the wicked one.  That time was spent arguing over doctrines that are over my head.  I daresay some of it was horribly wasted trying to convince others that my knowledge was right while theirs was lacking.  I'm sure a portion of it was spent trying to validate my reasons and rationalizations for my actions that were not as honoring to God as they could have been.  Rather, as they should have been.

So, as the year closes and the devil is still on my back, continually trying to bring me down and make me feel useless, worthless, and just a general annoyance to those who'd rather see cute pictures and read funny stories on Facebook and Blogger instead of my constant wanderings I have a choice.  I can listen to him and allow the defeat to consume me.  Pretty sure though that I have been there and done that a few times already.  Or, I can continue.  God said He'd use the foolish things of the world to confound.  He also said His Word would not return unto Him empty.  He said I was to love and use my talents for Him.  While not all of my blogs and stories are Pulitzer Prize worthy (I wish!), there are several of them that have been useful-- if to no one else but myself and my number one fan Steve.  

I entitled this blog "Don't Speak" in deference again to the passage used on the quote.  But guess what?  I am going to speak.  I am going to keep writing.  I'm still going to keep studying and one day find that approval of my Lord and lose my shame.  Tune in tomorrow as you read about my new life verse that I am so excited about!  

Let's end this year with prayer, shall we?

Dear Lord,

Thank You for this platform to share my thoughts, my doubts, my fears, hurts, and needs.  Thank You for the gift of writing that so often the devil tries to keep me from using and sharing with others who may be facing the same battles and trials that I experience.

Father?  Thank You mostly for Your Words that teach me.  I cherish them and want to read them over and over and glean the truths that are still waiting to be mined.  I want to read between those lines and ponder on what often isn't said but is implied and I want to discover what those implications are so that I may know You more deeply than before.

As this year concludes, I ask that I may be found worthy, Lord.  Through Christ, You have redeemed me but my work isn't finished.  There is so much more to do!  Mold me and make me more like Jesus so that I may without any doubt be acceptable in Your sight is my prayer.  I love You!  Amen.