I wasn't prepared. I went in blindly. I don't know why I wasn't thinking, but this event I went to soon showed me how very important it is to not go into any arena without my battle gear on--even those (especially those?) that are church-based and/or related.
As I sat behind two sisters whom I love very much (and often look at with envy because of their close bond) and made small talk, I pondered privately when was the last funeral I attended--other than Clyde's (which doesn't really count since the weather prevented it from "properly" being held). The service began. The sisters sat there with one parent on either side and I recollected how they said they had to "separate" them so they wouldn't fight. The preacher spoke a few comforting scripture passages, and then BAM! It all came together.
Though I tried to contain them, hot, angry tears--mingled with too much heartbreak--overwhelmed me. They coursed down my cheeks and if anyone was watching, I feel sure they would have thought how much I had loved this dearly departed lady we were there to mourn. Truthfully, I barely knew this woman and was there to support her family and pay my respects that way. But as her loss brought to the forefront my own, the tears kept furiously making their way out of my eyes and I knew if I didn't get a hold of myself, this unbidden grief would consume me.
I swiped them firmly off of my cheeks. Sternly I told myself to stop: to get a hold of these emotions, for they had no place in a place like this. And, if you know me at all, then of course you'd know that the "Arguing Stef" (kind of like the good twin and the evil twin) tried to convince me that it was indeed the place, for what better time to cry than at a funeral where that type of behaviour is accepted as well as expected.
I tried to categorize what led me to these heightened emotions, as the singers sang and the preacher took to the lectern again. Trying to focus on the practical often aids me in controlling the emotions and taking that step back to see what's really going on here versus what my weak flesh and feelings were trying to convince me of helps my discerning heart to address the real issues. Here's what I came up with:
- The envy of the two sisters
- The loss of a loved one
- The concept of funerals
- The testimony left behind of the saint who had left us
Ahh. I see your tricks, devil. You wanted to remind me that--in a nutshell--I was still hurt at my oldest sister, who had left me many times and in many ways to deal with things that I shouldn't have had to do alone. You were trying to make me dredge up those hateful things and remember the funerals of my dad, sister, mother, grandmother, and aunt that I didn't get to properly be a part of because of said sister's betrayal. Lastly, devil, you were trying to make my heart relive hate and remember the bad, bringing into question whether any of these folks indeed were saved and/or left a good testimony behind and what--by the way--would mine be?
Do you see it, friends? The devil will attack you when you are least prepared, and he has a whole big ol' bag of devices and tricks to throw at you in the most innocent of places and circumstances. Those sisters I admire? I see them all of the time but he chose this particular instance to prick me with their fondness for one another. Death is most certainly all around us and for the most part, I can deal with objectively. Funerals aren't something I in the past fool with much because of privacy issues and respect for the families. Lastly, the testimonies of the saints? Well, that's been forefront in my heart due to the project going on at my church currently. Things one uses for good, the devil likes to twist, taint, and tarnish in his endeavor to kill and steal our joy.
Remember the movie "The Incredibles" about the former heroes who are called back to active duty? There's this one part where Lucious asks his wife to tell him where his super suit is. Sigh. I could have used one myself last Saturday. I could have been better off had I put on my whole armor of God, rather than blithely walking out of my door, with my head in the clouds, rather than focused on the stumbling blocks that Satan was putting in my path.
In conclusion, there is no safe place on this earth where the devil is not privately planning to trip us up. There is no relationship that he won't use to try to stir up our own losses and failures in his attempts to kill good feelings we may have toward others. Lastly, there is no testimony he'd rather destroy than mine and yours. Be watchful, friends. Be wary. He is seeking to devour you, one bite at a time. Be wise. Be prayerful. Get that armor on!
Let's pray!
Dear Lord, as I come to You this morning, I want to be prepared for whatever comes my way. In my own clothing, Lord, I will fail. I will fall without those sandals of peace. That shield of faith is paramount to keeping my heart protected and that helmet of salvation? Oh Father, You know I need that on to keep my tender head protected by false doctrine and lies. Salvation comes from You and You alone. Dress me in Your righteousness this day, I pray, in the name of Jesus, my Defender, Shield, and Saviour. Amen!
