Seasons in the Sun

It happened two nights ago and I am still trying to recover from the effects.  It was such an innocent, everyday comment, but one that has left such a foul taste in my mouth that I don't think all the bottles of Listerine could wash it away.

I became "That Woman."  I shudder even now as I recollect it.  For you see, I had always held myself to a higher standard and vowed to not be one of "Those Women."  I can barely get the words out because I am feeling so much loathing and disgust at me.

"Whatever happened, Stef?" you must be wondering.  I'll tell you, but it ain't going to be pretty.

A friend of mine has cancer.  Again.  She beat it the first time (this was before I knew her) and has had quite the testimony since.  How I admired this lady on so many levels and envied the friendships she had--one in particular.  As she and I became friends, we never quite made it to that high level she had with this other woman but I always admired her, always enjoyed her company, and always deep in my heart hoped that one day we would.

That day never came.  Do you believe that there are "seasons in life" that we go through?  I used to think that was such a cliche` but as I age, I find it holds true in so many ways.  Our paths soon stopped crossing and through the past years, we only see each other on occasion and then, it's only in passing.  We'd say the polite things one is supposed to when faced with old acquaintances--and mean them, because there was a genuine love there that didn't just disappear.  However, that pull for more, for another meeting with just the two of us to catch up, to talk about our kids and grandkids, church, husbands, and such just wasn't strong enough.  I'd still feel that twinge, though, after seeing her.  Sigh.

So, back to the present, when I heard of her awful battle being warred again, I hurt.  I felt so sorry for her.  I wanted to reach out, to call, to write, to even drop by for a visit but...but I didn't.  I didn't know if I'd be welcomed because--and here's where it gets tricky, friends--it takes an awfully special person to visit with those who are sick, bereft, and needy.  What if I couldn't be that person?  What if my own limitations held me back from being what she needed?  I put off the phone calls.  Put off the sending of a card.  I still prayed for her and wondered about her and devoured each piece of intel I'd hear about her.  And then, BAM, it happened and I turned into that wretched woman.  

I saw her daughter two nights ago and after the casual hellos were said, I asked about her mom.  Then (gulp!) I said to her "Will you please tell her I said hello and that I am thinking of her?"

The moment--the second!!--the words started spilling from my lips I wanted to retract them.  How dare I place that responsibility on this young lady who probably hears those words so many times she could scream and inwardly is thinking how fake all of these so-called friends are who won't take the time to say those words personally to the soul who needs to hear them the most?!  Why should she have to do this chore?  How dare people like me be so callous and insincere and still have the gall to call ourselves Christians?  I hold myself in contempt and am so furious with me that I cannot bear it.

Naturally, the devil has since mocked me and beaten me down and tried to make me even more miserable.  After letting him win a few rounds, I decided to fight back.  I got my cards out.  I picked out a special one and wrote the words I hope will touch my friend to show her that I truly do care.  I confess my fault to you and to my Lord that I have not been doing the work that He called me to do.  I bow my head in shame as I write these words but am gradually raising it because I am doing the right thing now as I reach out to my sister.  I'll let you know if she accepts my right hand back into fellowship.

Let's pray.

Dear Father, as I ponder these actions from the past few days and throw in the attacks that the devil sent to further cast me down, I thank You for raising me back up.  I was in a sad state yesterday as I thought of this, as well as the other friend I said goodbye to, at a memorial service.  Out of the blue, You sent me two of Your finest soldiers.  The first came to my right and unknowingly lifted me up with her light and cheery disposition.  The second came a few minutes later, with her quiet sensitivity and support that she didn't even know she was giving.  And then, finally, last night at church, You surrounded me with that great cloud of witnesses and filled my heart with so much love and sense of belonging to replace the hole left from not so very long ago.

What a tremendous God You are!  And not to leave any of Your kids out, I was reminded that there were three more who had my back, so to speak, but didn't realize what all the load on it was.  They kept me up with their prayers to You on my behalf and let me stand without buckling, Father.  

Lord?  I know I fail You so very often.  Thank You for giving me more opportunities to do it right.  May I ever learn and strive to be more like Jesus is my prayer today.  I ask it in His name.  Amen.

How Can I Help You To Say Goodbye?

Dread.  Fear.  Excitement.  Anxious.  Scared.  Sad.

These are the feelings coursing through me as I contemplate going to see a dear friend tomorrow--a friend who is dying from cancer.  Oh, there's no use pretending she's not near the end and there's no false hope that her days will be prolonged for much longer.  She's nearly had enough and has made her peace.

But me?  Have I had enough of Betty?  Have I the desire for her to stay here so I can selfishly enjoy her company, her words of wisdom, her notes of encouragement, her constant and steady love for me regardless of how often we actually meet face-to-face?  Can there ever be enough time to bask in the warmth she has freely given to me since our first meeting?

There have been two times in my life when I knew I wouldn't see my loved one ever again.  One, there just wasn't time for because, like Betty, the cancer had ravaged her body and she just didn't have the strength to continue.  The other?  There was time and some would say opportunity but it just didn't work out that way and I knew the last moments we shared in each other's presence would be it.  However, the prospect of seeing Betty tomorrow is different in so many ways.  Like all of us, I cannot predict the future nor say when one's last breath will be the final sigh.

Years ago, Patty Loveless sang a haunting melody called "How Can I Help You To Say Goodbye."  It dealt with last times:  a move that took a girl's best friend away from her; the end of her marriage; and lastly, the death of the woman's mother.  It's a real tearjerker and can really tug at those heartstrings as she croons the words that "it's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry."

I don't want to write anymore about this right now.

Well, Since you volunteered...

Dear Friends and Neighbors:

I just wanted to take a moment to let you know what I need. Many of you have heard of my plight and written notes on Facebook or passed them on through the church or others and said to let you know if I need anything. Because of my situation and because time is such a precious commodity, it's hard for me to call you and tell you these things in my time of deep distress. Sometimes there's barely time for me to even take a bathroom break or go off for a few moments of alone time to cry, to process, to get myself together. Please don't take this the wrong way but...you offered so here is what I need.

I need help. I need someone to drop me off some food that can quickly be reheated for those times when I am unable to prepare a meal. Leave it on my front porch if I can't get to the door. It may look like I am home but my hands may honestly be doing things that don't allow for opening of the door in a timely manner.

I need a restaurant card or two for when I am running to and from doctor appointments and know there won't be time to eat once I get home so I have to stuff it down quickly as I am on my way to get meds refilled or supplies purchased. That unexpected treat furnished by you for that special moment when the strength is low can be just what the doctor ordered.

I need gas cards so that I can keep the tank filled. Again, with my hours being stretched so that there is little brain functionability, I often am so distracted that I forget this simple mundane task and honestly? Sometimes there are just so little dollars left that I am having to choose between eating and getting the scrips for my loved one (or myself).

I need you to take out my trash. I don't like to make a big deal out of it but it's not something I had to handle before. Others may have home pickup but I don't. It piles up and gets in the way. If you could please take a bag on your way out from your visit, that'd be great.

Oh, and that step you tripped over on your way up? That needs fixed too but I don't have time for it right now. I keep meaning to get to it but...

I need you to keep sending me cards to encourage me. Phone calls are tough because it's rare that it's convenient to chat, but try me. Leave me a voice message because sometimes your sweet words soothe my heart better than any ointment. Knowing you are praying for me, thinking of me, and loving me help to sustain my hurting soul. Those texts that you know I see? Don't be mad when I don't instantly respond. They give me motivation and remind me that you care. Keep sending them!

I need you to not be afraid to ask me how I am feeling. I don't though need to hear how you are or how your mom is going through this same situation because frankly, this is my situation and though there may be similarities, I need you to hear my story, my woes, and my cares. I'm afraid. I'm uncertain. Sometimes I am mad and need to vent. I need you to love me enough to let me rant if I need to, cry if I want to, or to be lifted up with some funny stories so that I don't take it all too seriously. I can't handle your sadness now because I am drowning in my own.

I need you to drop by without calling first once in a while because timing is everything and sometimes I may need you to do a certain task for me at just that moment. It may be to just let me go for a brief walk or go to the bathroom without fear of interruption for a quick shower or clean up of my own self. I might ask you to throw the clothes in the dryer or put a few dishes in the dishwasher. I probably won't but I need you to come into my house and look around, see what is being neglected, and just do it. I might even need you to sit with my loved one so that s/he knows there really is a body behind the words being said. Sing some songs. Pray with him or her. Don't stay all night but do come. It gets lonely with just us here. Remember: they were there for you.

If, however, I greet you at the door and say it isn't a good time, I need you to quickly and quietly go. I appreciate you but I just don't have the minute that turns into three that turns into ten while my attention is desperately needed elsewhere. I'm not trying to be rude or hurt your feelings. I just must be somewhere else in that moment.

I need you to send me flowers. Whether they are for me or the one I am caring for, they brighten up the place. Send me yellow ones and daisies and such that remind me life is out there because inside these four walls, death is often too near. I need some inner sunshine! Have your kids draw me pictures. Anything that adds light to my darkness will help.

I need you to understand that right now, sometimes it's all I can do to make myself get up in the mornings. I need you to hear what I don't say, to give what I don't ask for, and to know that I need you but am too full of pride to ask for your help. I am too ashamed of my dirty house to let you visit. I am afraid if I show you my emotion you will write me off as some lunatic when in actuality I am really quite sane but am having a moment of pure panic as I deal with the fact that my loved one is dying, that I am facing life alone, and that I am scared.

So, dear friends, I need you but I won't ask you these things. I want those casseroles. I want your visits so I know I am not alone and that you really do want to help but...I cannot ask you. I don't have time. Time is what I often need. You are busy too so if you don't mean it, please don't say it.

And, after my loved one has gone on, I need you. I may say I want to be alone but...keep trying. Keep showing up. Don't let me drift away too. I know I can appear fine but that doesn't mean I am. And lastly, remember, you asked if there was anything I needed, to let you know. I just did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For anyone who may be reading this and thinking I need you right now because of some crisis I am having, let me assure you: I am fine. However, each morning when I get up and check Facebook, someone else isn't. Someone has just been diagnosed with cancer. Or their kid was in a wreck. Or their house burnt down, they lost their job, their husband left, they found out something that devastated them...

Friends, it's so easy to say "Call me if you need anything." But may I ask you: how do you think they are going to do that when they are barely treading water? Maybe they can't even afford to pay their phone bill itself so how can they cry out to you?

Let's make it a point to do, to act, to love without being asked. You know what is needed most of the time. It's you. They need you. Your ears. Your smiles. Your shoulders to hug on and cry on. Your time to help. They need to know they can text you in the middle of the day and get a quick word of encouragement. When they remember or get the chance to go to the mailbox, they need a card waiting there to show that though you aren't physically there, you are with them in spirit. They need you to show up unasked for because, after all, if you really love them, aren't you going to be in the vicinity anyways?

Next time you are at a fast food place, buy a gift card. Just in case. Grocery store? Pick up some extra frozen pizzas, casseroles, and maybe some sodas. Post office? Grab a few extra stamps 'cause even though you can't pay their bills, you can allow them to get sent out. Many times this is something overlooked but definitely needed. Leave them on their counter when you visit. Make the time to visit.

Depending on the season, have your kids mow their yard, wash their cars, take out the trash, walk their dogs, and so on. It's the little things that matter. Make a difference today, friends. That's what we need.

You Should See The Other Guy

Good morning!  It's been nearly a week since my last blog.  I just couldn't find the words to write that would help me to express the meandering thoughts wandering through my mind.  Yeah, I was still recovering from my hateful cold, trying to reconcile the thoughts about my sister-in-law's passing, my everyday issues, and oh yeah:  my fears about the skin cancers growing in my head.

"What's it like inside the bubble?  Does your head ever give you trouble?  It's no sin; trade it in.  Hang on:  help is on its way!"  

The Little River Band crooned this song way back when and it's one of my favorites.  However, I don't know of a soul who would trade my head, my mind, for theirs.  

The chorus of the song goes like this:  

Hang on, help is on its way
I'll be there as fast as I can
"Hang on," a tiny voice did say
From somewhere deep inside the inner man

Hmn.  Kind of reminds me of this verse from Jeremiah 30:17 that goes like this:

 But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the Lord, 

"A tiny voice" could also be described as a still, small voice, correct?  "From deep inside the inner man" could refer to our soul.  These lyrics combined with the promise, the declaration of God when He said He "will restore you to health and heal your wounds" gives me much joy.  Help is on His way, as is restoration.  Whatever the cancer is inside of us, friends, God is there to heal us.  For you see, cancer is defined as:  a practice or phenomenon perceived to be evil or destructive and hard to contain or eradicate.  For me, my mind is a constant battlefield, and the disease of self is rampant in it.  Add to that my physical infirmities and I am indeed a man in need of a Saviour.  

Let's face it:  we all have our stories of heartbreak and disillusionment.  We all have our private pains--whether physical, emotional, or both.  The trick is how we deal with them.  The comfort of sharing our stories and having others pray for and with us is unspeakable.  The satisfaction of the good reports when those prayers are answered is a relief like none other.  

Like me, the scars left behind will be evident for a while.  I was hesitant to post this picture but I did so to remind me, to leave a vivid portrait of what cancer does.  While it is a horrid disease and has claimed far too many loved ones throughout the ages, it can be contained.  It can be eradicated.  The Great Physician can take His holy blade and cut it from our hearts, our bodies, and our spirits.  It doesn't have to destroy us.  Does it hurt, when He takes our yuck out?  Sure.  Unfortunately, for those sins that are so deep, there isn't a numbing shot to dull the effects as the knife does its handiwork.  There aren't pain pills for the upcoming hurt nor is there a bandage to hide the hideousness left behind.  But there is a Comforter nearby to hold our hands.  There is a Listener Who wants to hear our sorrows rather than interrupting us to share His own war stories when we just need someone to hear us grieve.  And there is that wonderful promise He gave us when He said He'd never leave us nor forsake us and that He'd restore us.

As I conclude, my mind is already jumping ahead to next week when I go have my stitches removed and get to repeat this operation for another part of my body that has been cancer stricken.  Isn't that the way it goes?  We get one area of our lives under control and then another is waiting, biding its time to damage other areas of our bodies?  These consequences from previous bad behaviors and/or choices that led to this sickness cannot be changed, cannot be undone.  What can happen though is that the stimulus can be contained, can be refrained from being committed again, and can be avoided when proper diligence is paid to be holy.  And yes, I know there will be some times when things happen that I have no control over as I am tested again physically and emotionally as the devil continues trying to kill, destroy, and steal my joy.  That's when in my weakness, I must allow Jesus Christ to be strong in me.  My hope is that you will make this choice as well.

Let's pray!

Dear Lord, thank You.  Thank You for the cancers in me.  No, I am not glad they are there but the lessons You teach me through them show how much I need You.  They show the ugliness of this world and point me to the promise of the one to come where there is no sickness, no pain, no dying.  The day is coming when You will have the final victory, Lord, and it can't come soon enough!

For my friends, loved ones, and those I do not know who are suffering from cancer, from loneliness, from heartbreak, and from stolen joy, I pray that You will be their strength today.  Father, I pray that You will embrace them so tightly and securely that they cannot help but sing in the midst of their struggles, cannot help but praise Your name for the wonderful Saviour You are, and cannot help but share their stories with others so that they too can point others to You.

Lord God, I love you.  I appreciate You.  I anticipate the day I get to meet You face to face.  Until then, keep me.  Settle me.  Still me.  Love me.  In the name of Jesus I pray.  Amen.

 

Don't Let The Sun Go Down Upon Your Wrath

May 27, 2015

Dear Lord, I'm mad. Oh no: not at You. Hardly!

I'm mad because the devil is attacking my friends, their loved ones, their kids. He's stealing their joy and trying to take away their peace. He's wreaking havoc on their bodies, their minds, and their relationships so I'm coming to You for some help.

As I told one of my friends, she must be doing something right to have this viciousness sent her way. Her walk with You, Lord, must be heading in the right direction otherwise why all of these stones suddenly being put in her pathway? She's being hit particularly hard, Father, so I ask for extra strength to be sent her way as she relies on You once again to get her through this.

Sickness. Cancer. Death. Desperation. Separation. Loneliness. Financial issues. These are nothing new to Your children, Lord. What I ask for today is a newness in responses to these trials. May we all put on our armor and put our complete and fervent trust in You? May we not be foolish enough to think we can handle it on our own but instead, Father, may we cry out to You to rescue us, to keep us standing, and if that's it Lord, then to just stand? Not falter. Not barely hang on. Stand. Firm in the faith. Firm in You.

Thank You. I know You've got this, Lord. Our hearts are turned to You, our ears are listening for Your voice. Direct us and guide us is my prayer this afternoon. In Jesus' name I ask: amen.