For God So Loved

Walker ignores the dickens out of me when I tell him I love him. I do this often. He can be playing, sitting in his car seat, eating, doing something silly or sweet, or just being. Most of the time, he doesn’t even look up or acknowledge my voice. If I grab him up and smother him with kisses, he just squirms and tries to get away. Cuddle with him? Ha! The boy is not interested in Granny’s expressions of love. Except…

Except when he hurts. Just let him fall down or bump his little hard head. Then he wants me, my hugs, my kisses on where it hurts. But once the momentary pain has passed, so has he. On to the next big adventure. He knows Granny is there when he hurts. But there’s too much to do to bask in this love for long.

Oh sure, we have good times. Sometimes, out of the blue, Walker reaches up and kisses me. Or he will bring my hand to his cherub bud lips for a quick smooch. When it’s time to say goodbye, he’ll “give me some love.” This consists of allowing himself to be hugged, offering his cheek for a kiss, and sometimes patting my arm. Often he’ll rest his sweet little head on my shoulder, but only briefly. Remember: he’s a busy man!

So, does this remind you of anyone? Perhaps yourself? It sure does remind me of me. God loves me so much! He tells me over and over in a variety of ways throughout my day. Sometimes it’s an audible voice; other times it’s in the way He responds to my needs. When I fall down in my daily walk, when I get boo boos that hurt, He is the first One I go running to. I’ll let Him hold me and comfort me, kiss the pains away. Sometimes I will linger because it feels so good to be in His arms. But what about the other times, the times when I am too busy to pay attention to His sweet expressions of love? The times at night when I finally give Him my undivided attention while I pray and tell Him what I need tomorrow and, oh yeah, thanks for what You did today? Too many times I give Him only enough love in return to "do my duty" in keeping the peace.

What about the times throughout the day when I am not doing anything spectacular and just, out of the blue, He whispers He loves me? I tend to be like Walker and just go on about my business. The gentle touches, the helping hand that I don’t always acknowledge but sure expect to be there when I am climbing up my steps. The blankie being pulled up over me so that I stay warm. Making sure my cup is filled. Ahh, how my blessings runneth over.

These gestures are only a sampling of what I do—consciously and unconsciously—for my loved one. How wonderful that the expressions our Lord uses are always thought about, always ready, and always filled with love!

I Saw You

Monday, October 22, 2007

Last Wednesday, I saw you. You were lying inside of your mommy's womb. Your little heart was racing and your posture was that of waiting: you have a lot of growing to do, little one, and you are going to be in there for quite a while. The doctor showed us your teeny tiny umbilical cord. This is your sustenance for the next seven months, give or take a few days. We have a saying we quote out here often, "Can I use my lifeline?" Use your mommy's lifeline, Baby. She's taking good care of you. Do you know how much you are already loved and longed for? So much! Your daddy is so excited and he can't wait to show you all of his tricks. Watch out for him: he's a prankster. No one is safe from his antics. No one. He may get you into some trouble later but nothing too seriously. Your momma thinks about you all the time. Do you feel her rubbing your "home," keeping you warm and safe? Uncle Shaun is the one who has been poking you. He's another one you will have to watch out for! Grampa has been doing a bit of praying for you. He's the one who is going to make your world a better place. He had a good teacher and I guarantee you that when he is around, no one will mess with you! He's also the one you can count on for unconditional love and support. Baby, you are one blessed child to have him as your grampa! And me? Who am I? Well, you can call me Granny. Really, you can call me whatever you want--as long as it isn't inspired by your daddy. He'll have you calling me "Granny Snef" or some other thing that I probably shouldn't put down on paper. Regardless, I am also the one who has a vested interest in you. You are my first grandchild and I love you so much already! My eyes tear up at the thoughts of holding you. I've been trying to hold back on getting too excited about you. It's tough! I try not to rub Mommy's belly every time she's near and tell you hi. But when I saw you last week, I was overcome. She was too. Her eyes were glued to the screen and we both just marvelled at you. We got to share this moment and it is one I will treasure always. My baby and her baby. You. Ahh. Well, I guess I will go now. You will be hearing a lot from me! I just wanted you to know I saw you and you are beautiful, Baby. You are beautiful.

Call me Granny

Monday, September 24, 2007

I'm going to be a granny. Me. What a wonderful gift will be mine. My baby is having a baby. May 24 is the expected arrival date so that gives me some time to prepare to be the best grandmother I can possibly be. Wow! So many things to consider. I have to fix the back bedroom up--but wait, what color do I do it in? Ash is only five weeks along so I guess paint choice will have to wait. Hmmn. I need a crib! A high chair. I've got a rocker ('though Casey would tell you I'm off mine). A new scrapbook will have to be started! What else? Clothes, blankies (I wish I knew how to quilt!), and a baby washtub. I guess the biggest thing I need is prayer. I don't want to be overexuberant, meddlesome, or intefere in Cashley's parenting. I do want to be supportive, compassionate, and wise. How does one watch her baby go through this? How can I not be there each step of the way? She's never done this before! She needs me. Doesn't she? Aw, the awful memories of what a horrible mother I sometimes was may make her keep me far from her. May it not be so! Doesn't she know she was my practice child and that I'm an expert now? Look how well she turned out. Surely some of that was due to my influence. Maybe just a little? These next eight months we'll all grow. God, please let me grow the most in Your love, wisdom, and grace. Let me be the parent You are to me. Show me when to step up and when to back down. Fill me with tenderness but not silly emotions. Strengthen me with Your Word so that I may teach my new grandchild about You. Help me, dear Father, to be the best I can be. My baby is having a baby. Wow. What a day, what a blessed day!

Lessons from Walker

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

My grandson is teaching me, as I knew he would, so many lessons on life. Let me share the latest. I broke his heart the other day. We were cuddling and I was trying to get him to sleep. He reached up and grabbed my nose. This wasn't so bad until he found my nostrils and started pulling. It didn't help that his tiny little fingernails needed to be cut. I told him "No." He looked at me with this total look of unbelief. He reached up again and pulled. I told him "No," with a little firmer tone. His lower lip puckered up and he again looked at me in amazement. I don't know where the stubborn streak comes from but he thought he surely must not have heard me correctly so he attempted once again to pull on my nose. "No,"I said, quite firmly this time and that's when the tears started. The lip quivered, the eyes filled, and the poor boy started crying as I'd never heard him do before. Granny had told him no and this was something he was not used to and it crushed him like a bug. His heart wasn't the only one that was breaking. Steve came rushing in to see what had provoked this new cry. Walker was sobbing uncontrollably and I was wavering between tears and laughter myself. I explained what had happened and Steve too alternated between relief and humor. That was on Sunday. Yesterday it happened again. As Walker was fighting any attempt of an afternoon nap, I took him out of the crib to try to rock him to sleep. Being the adorable little 7-month-old baby that he is, he wanted to explore and see whatever could distract him from giving in to slumber time. Ah, Granny's face. He reached up to stroke my cheek and then he saw it: my nose. He looked me in the eyes and went for it. I laughed inside, knowing he was thinking he could get away with it this time. I told him "No," and the lip started. A little pucker, a little quiver,and then the hand went up again. I said, "No, Walker." He looked at me dumbfoundedly and with more than a little disbelief. We had again spent much of the day together and I had done nothing but love and kiss on him and try to make him happy. How could I be saying no? It just couldn't be real. So, he again reached for the nose but I caught him midair and snuggled up to him and said, "Just 'cause Granny said 'no' doesn't mean she doesn't love you." He squirmed and I adjusted him in my arms and, sure enough, he was determined to get my nose. "I said 'no', Walker." Defiance glared in his eye and he reached for it again, but I can be a little defiant myself. "No!" The tears, the lip quivering, the hand still reaching. I could barely keep from laughing as I remembered how stubborn his mommy used to be. Then another thought came to me. His mommy stubborn? What about you, Stef? How many times have I told you 'no' and you rebelled? How many times have I gently tried to get you to focus on something else and you wouldn't, you just had to do it your way, just had to have your way? Meanwhile, Walker is adamant that he is going to have my nose and, though it crushed me, I popped his little hand and said that dreaded word again. Yes, it's true: Granny popped him gently on the hand and again, squashed his little feelings into something he just wasn't used to. Oh how he cried. Not at the pain. Come on; you know better than that. He was crying because the one he thought wouldn't ever deny him had stopped him from getting what he wanted. The new sounds of this type of crying was just about more than I could bear! I held him so close and whispered to him that just because I said no did not mean I didn't love him. I said something like "You can't always have what you want, honey. You can't always get your way. I love you so much but sometimes when you want something, I can't let you have it. It's for your own good." Something to that effect. It's hard to remember because once again, the words were reflecting back to me as I could almost hear God saying them to me. How many times have I tried, Stef, to let you know I love you but you can't always have it your way? You can pucker up, stub up, and refuse to listen to Me until I finally have to be a little more firm and tell you 'no.' You can bat your eyes and cry your sweet little tears but I know what is best for you and this isn't it. You can rebel, try again a few days later to see if My answer is still 'no.' You can fight or you could just go ahead and surrender this battle. You know Who will win. But I love you. I love you. So,this is one of the many lessons my Lord is using to teach me through my beautiful grandson. Stay tuned: we both still have a lot to learn! PS I still don't know where Walker gets his stubborn streak from!