It's not my job

Do people take you for granted?  Have you become such a "reliable" source for whatever it is that they need from you that you have become common, neglected in your personal touch that they so rely on yet have become so acclimated to that they don't even realize that they aren't appreciating you anymore, that they aren't thankful for the things you do to make their lives better?  They have come to expect and to accept that you are the one who is "good," the one who will do what needs to be done, and that you are the one they can go to when they need but not the one who has needs herself?  They come to you when their lives get messy but forget about you until the chips are down and they need you to once again bring restoration to the chaos?

Sigh.  Join the crowd, sisters.

Long years ago, my daughter's cousin was coming for a visit.  She's a few years younger and since it had been a while since they had last been together, the cousin worried:  would Ashley have outgrown me?  She wondered if they would still be able to play, to have fun, to giggle, to relate since the years had separated them as much as the physical distance between them had.  Her fears were real and she fretted over what she used to be.  Would that be enough to sustain her for this visit or would Ash no longer find her useful in her world and instead of loving and embracing her she would be tolerated instead?

Deeper sigh.

I worry this too when I write my blogs.  Whereas once they used to excite and motivate and encourage, now...?  Now, I think my "faithful" friends just click "Like" and don't even bother reading my words.  They aren't commenting, aren't empathizing with the struggles I so earnestly put forth.  The compliments I used to receive with such fervor that helped to keep me motivated and encouraged me myself are fewer and further between.  Why, earlier this week when I almost thought someone I had touched with my writings was going to compliment me, instead he turned the attention to himself, leaving me feeling desolate and useless. He bragged about his prowess as a writer and didn't even realize how much my heart was cut to the core as once again, I was not validated.

I almost fell for it.  I almost listened as the devil laughed in my ears and said "Told ya so!  Nobody reads you.  Nobody supports you.  You've been wasting your time all these mornings and evenings as you tried to share Jesus."  I pondered for a moment or two--okay three or more 'cause it really hurt my feelings!  I wondered if I should stop, if I was getting on folks' nerves with my posts, and if I had become a duty rather than a delight.  As I said, my friends and readers used to appease my vanity by "liking" my posts but now my numbers are down and my confidence wanes.

EXCEPT.  Except that when I take a good hard look at my motives for writing and find that while my words are sometimes helpful and often do strike a common chord with others, the real reason I write is to draw closer to God.  Yes, I am too dependent on man's approval for my pride because I do fancy myself as a good writer but the real reason I pen this blog is so that I may seek that "Well done" commendation from God Himself.  If I write for any other reason than that then I am writing in vain.  If no one else ever reads another word I write, that is okay because my words are directed to The One Who knows my thoughts before I am even able to make any sense out of them.  He knows my heart better than I do.  He knows the plans He has for me and He knows that when I stay focused on Him then I will be perfected.

So what does this have to do with whomever may actually be still reading?  Plenty!  You too are doing things that others have taken for granted.  You are counted on to work these tasks that so many of us feel are your responsibility and when they are pointed out to us, then, oh yeah, we remember your works and appreciate your sacrifices.  We are thankful there are folks like you doing what we don't want to do for ourselves.  We may even feel a little pricked in our hearts that we aren't more like you, that we don't take the time to be selfless even when we are less stretched in our time.  Does that make sense?  Some of you are out there, sacrificing your precious time to do things that others of us could do if we weren't so much better, so further above you.  It's just we are more important and must be center stage rather than the woman behind the scenes who keeps it all flowing.  Besides, you've done these things for so long, who could take your place and even try to do it better?  No, it's much easier for us to let you keep on doing it than to get in your way but thanks.  We really do appreciate you.

Ouch.

Ugh.

Pray with me?

Dear Lord, what a selfish lot we children of Yours are!  I bow my head in shame as I think on those who do the cleaning at my church--for no pay.  I think of those who scrub and wax the floors when they are at least twenty years older than I am and we both know I am no spring chicken.  I think of those who plan the music and practice singing to uplift me each week and how I rarely thank them for their service.  I think of those who clean the toilets and wash the dishes we use and how I rarely pitch in to help.

I think of those whose hearts hurt as much as their hips do, Father, and yet?  Yet they keep on serving.  They keep on being dutiful to the needs of the church with little accolades given to them because yes, they have "always done this."  Guess because there are so many selfish folks like me mandates that they keep on.  Oh, what a wretched woman I can be.

But I don't have to continue down this path of being oblivious, Lord.  I don't have to offer trite words of "Thanks for all you do" when instead next time I can truly say words of appreciation, followed by either an offer to pitch in and lighten the load or if that is not in my power then with some sort of offering that accurately expresses my appreciation for the pieces of themselves that are so willingly given.

Help me, Lord, please, to see what has been hidden from me.  Make me more sensitive to the ones who labor for You in love and help me to be more generous with my thanksgiving to them for their service.  Lastly, Lord, I ask You to look kindly down on me and remind me that I am to do all things as unto You.  Keep me attentive to Your will is my prayer today.  In the sweet name of Jesus I ask these things.  Amen.

Happy birthday to me!

June 18, 2015

Tomorrow is Wandering Through The Bible's second birthday.  Can you believe it?  For two whole years I have been sharing and baring my heart and soul with you as I have sought to have a closer relationship with my Father God and my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.  

Oh the words I have written--and deleted--as my thoughts have wandered to and fro!  Topics have included things such as mothers, daughters, husbands, friends, fellowship, failures, guarding the tongue and captivating the thoughts.  Inspiration has come from my hubby, my grandsons, Walmart, dogs, nature, the internet, and messages heard on the radio, in chat rooms, and in church. 

It's been quite a journey.  What started out as a way for a friend and I to continue our morning Bible Study evolved into lessons on how to study the Bible, how to learn that no matter how rotten one thinks she is, there is still One Who redeems and restores.  Sadly, there were times when I'd use this blog as a platform for whatever social incident offended me at the time but even in those incidences, God showed me His grace.  The blog has also been a great way to meet new people.  Prayers have been shared as mutual angst was empathized over.  Encouragement has been sent to those who just need a little pick-me-up.  Posts were frequently shared as a topic hit home to hurting hearts.

All in all, it's been quite the journey.  I am thankful for the opportunity to reach those via Facebook that I may never see this side of heaven.  I am grateful for the support of many of you who comment on my page and/or send me notes to encourage.  Mostly though, I am afraid.  I am afraid that this huge responsibility will be overshadowed by my opinions and thoughts rather than being led by those of our Lord.  Yes, some would argue, it's "my blog" and I should be able to write whatever I please.  But this is not so, friends.  

The power to use my talent of expressing what others are also thinking into sentences and paragraphs is one that I do not take lightly.  I used to but I have come quite a ways since June 19, 2013.  Losing my mother and the after-effects of the greatest betrayal I'd ever faced was...it was wrenching.  There was much anger, hurt, and so many mixed emotions going on, not to mention all of the lies and whispers of the devil.  For a while there, I was quite a mess but through this blog and the wondrous grace of God, I was able to work through my grief and loss and see the bigger picture.  God's good that way, isn't He? He allows His children time to mourn and to heal and then, finally, to grow.  To go on.  To see that what happens down here is temporary--even though at times it feels like the pain will never stop.

Writing has been therapeutic for me and I thank God that He has allowed me to share my hurts and achievements with you, dear readers.  As the next year of blogging begins tomorrow, my hope is that I will continue to inspire, motivate, and encourage you all through my struggles and lessons learned so that you too can heal.  You too can let it go (whatever your "it" may be).  My prayer is that you hold on tighter to Jesus than ever before and that you know--you know--He's got you and He's not letting go.  Let's pray together now, shall we?

Oh dear Father, what a joy it has been to write my heart for all the world to see.  Scary, yes.  The risk of ridicule, the fear of no one caring, the taunts of Satan that I was just making a fool out of myself?  All of those emotions ran the gamut of my thoughts, Lord, as I endeavoured to share my soul in hopes of helping someone else through her darknesses.

Lord, as the next year begins, my prayer is that others too will find release and relief in words.  Not just mine (although I hope my readers will multiply and my territory expand).  No, Lord, my real hope is that through Your Word, through Your teachers, through Your singers, and through Your people that more eyes turn to Christ than ever before.  How we need Him, Father!  This world is so crushing at times that it's all some of us can do to take the next breath, to put that one foot in front of the other and keep walking.  And for some, Lord, it's harder still to just stand up and...stand.

Help us, I pray, Lord God, to seek You first in our days.  Remind us with Your songs and with the quotes we see plastered all over Facebook that no matter how rocky the road, You are walking right there beside of us, already knowing what lies ahead.

Finally, Lord, thank You.  You have been so longsuffering with me as I have tried to make sense out of things that just didn't always add up.  You have been gentle with me when I have been petulant.   You have tenderly held me when it seemed no one else cared.  You have been, You are still, so good to me.  Thank You for loving me when others didn't.  Thank You for loving me in spite of myself.  Thank You for being You.  I love You, Lord.  In the name of Jesus I conclude.  Amen.