Who's That Lady?

"How old are you anyways, Shirley?"  I asked this of the lady pictured above a few weeks ago, after I'd been moaning about my aches and pains and the joys of middle age.

"Stefanie, I'm old enough to be your mother"  she replied.

I gazed at her, then looked a little more deeply into her eyes and stated, "Well, I don't have a mother."

She looked into my eyes, thought for a moment, and said "Well, I don't have a daughter."  Then someone came and interrupted the moment but the seed was planted.  No, that's not quite true:  the seed had been planted many months ago when I was getting to know this lady.  She's the kind of woman who straightens my collar when its awry and pats me--heavily--on the shoulder when I've just told her I was a little sunburnt.  She's the one who calls me out when I get out of line just a little with my corny attempts at humor.  She's the kind of gal who prays for me and those others she loves faithfully.

Last night, at our Christmas dinner at church, she good-humoredly fussed at me for taking so many pictures.  I told her I needed to so that one day when my mind finally goes, I'll have photographs of those I love to remember them by.  She took my face in her two sweet hands, held it firmly, looked into my eyes as only Shirley can, and said "I will never let you forget me."  My eyes are filled with tears--again--as I recall this.

Shirley.  Shirley Killian.  The soul with a heart of gold who makes my life brighter.  I love this woman!  While she can't replace my earthly mother, she can fill that need for a womanly momma/big sister hole that throbs in my heart at the most unexpected times.  Jesus told us this would happen.  I just love it when He's right!

Let's pray!

Dear God, how I thank You for the Shirleys You send in this world to replace the family members that one no longer has--or maybe has but who isn't a part of that one's life anymore.  Lord, we need the Shirleys, the Bettys, the Palmas, the Pollys and the Lindas.  Thank You for being true to Your Word.  Although they aren't always aware they are Your special angels, You and I know the truth.  Bless them mightily I pray and may I one day too be someone's special person to fill a void that she has.  In the name of Jesus I pray.  Amen.  

A Lot of Love

What makes us love someone?  What is it about one that we would give up our selves for?  What characteristics are we seeing that few others do?  Though they betray us, use and abuse us, take advantage of us, and hurt us to no end, when they throw a crumb our way, we devour it as though our very lives depend upon that morsel.  And then, we get introduced to Jesus, the very One Who really showed us what love is and what love can be.  For many, this revelation is too much to bear and yet something won't be denied about it and they are drawn to Him, basing their lives around Him, and doing all they can to please this One Who is so worthy.  But for others, for those who don't know or understand compassion, who don't know that love doesn't have to hurt, or that love heals the wounds left by the ones we foolishly gave ourselves to, such love is hard to understand and even if we did, we feel we aren't worthy.  No one has ever put us first nor given so freely on our behalves.

I've been cheated

Been mistreated

When will I be loved?

I've been put down

I've been pushed 'round

When will I be loved?

Ever felt this way, friends?  Ever felt no one gave a rip about you and that all you do is give give give and all others do is take take take?  Not a great feeling, is it?  But what about that other feeling you get sometimes?  Some would call it jealousy and while it definitely involves envy I think there is much more to it, more of a longing to be so cared for that someone would do anything--and I do mean anything--to have you in his life?

In Sunday School, we have been going through the book of Genesis and are up to the part of Abraham and Lot.  Remember him--Lot, I mean?  He was the guy who was Abraham's nephew, the one who took advantage of his uncle's kindnesses and chose the best land for himself when their cattle needed to have more room.  He was also the guy who began to pull away from his righteous uncle and set his sights on Sodom, and eventually moved there.  He was held captive and his uncle risked many men to save him and what did Lot do to show his gratitude?  Kept living in this wicked city that he'd been saved from and wound up nearly throwing his pure virginal daughters to its depraved men in order to keep his home safe.

Through it all, Abraham had his eye on Lot and his heart was spent in much prayer for this wayward nephew.  At this time, Abraham didn't have any children so maybe that's why he devoted himself so his brother's son.  I remember doing that--focusing my heart and all the love in it for my sister's first born.  Oh, how I loved that child and would do anything for her!  I stayed up nights taking care of her when she'd cry.  I spent my free time babysitting her when I could have been out in the world having my own fun.  I hurt when she hurt and when she moved away for a time, I was devastated, feeling as though part of me was missing.  Then, when my Steve and I married and waited for the arrival of our own bundle of joy, this niece of ours was...not a substitute by any means!  But she was our fun.  She completed our little circle and went everywhere with us her mom would allow.  Through the years, we loved and lived much of our lives around her.  I guess you'd say she was our first love and we cherished her like none other that we'd ever been exposed to before.  We would have done anything for that child.

As I pondered yesterday why Lot would have so much love for this nephew, I couldn't help but think of another's love.  For me.  For you.  For the lost sheep in His pasture.  His first love.  The one He'd do anything for--including becoming a  human That would suffer the utmost shame and humiliation, Who would give up His home in glory so that we might one day live there with Him, Who would be mocked, scorned, beaten, and denied just so I could be His bride.

My sister (not the same one who provided me with my first niece) once loved this guy.  He was her world.  She gave up her family, her home, her pride, her body, her sanity for him.  Time and time again he threw it in her face--or her sides where he'd kick her.  Or in her belly when she was carrying his second child.  He'd steal from her, wreck her cars that she worked so hard to obtain, leave her, come back to her, beat her again, and the vicious dysfunctional cycle just kept spinning round and around until one day she finally came to her senses.  But her love for him was so deep, so embedded in her, that it took many days for the realization to hit home (pardon the pun) and she saw that this love was not healthy, was not right, nor was it what she and her daughters needed nor deserved.

Sigh.

Friends, sisters and brothers in Christ, we have got to show this world real love, love like the Father has for His children.  Love that knows no bounds but in the right way, not in the way that causes shame, leaves scars, nor wounds us beyond repair.  We cannot show favoritism and choose one over another.  After all, consider yourselves.  Somebody saw something pretty special about you, now didn't He?  Jesus Christ chose you--you!!  Wonder of wonders, He also chose me and as such, this generous, undeserved gift must be shared.  I can't repay it but I can definitely tell others my story of His amazing grace and unending love.

Throughout my life the devil has stolen much from me and had me believing I'd never find love, never have someone choose me first or even want me on their team.  Even when God sent me Steve all those years ago, I still had a nagging in my heart that one day he'd leave; that one day even his sweet supply of love, forgiveness, and acceptance would run dry.  Those lies caused mistrust and kept us from a closerness (yeah, I made up another new word) to God and to one another because of the doubt that I allowed to fill my soul.  While I did that, it was slowly and steadily being replaced by Christ's love for me and though my earthly eyes often fail me and my hearing doesn't always allow me to get it the first time, my spiritual eyes are being opened and my heavenly ears are tuned to another's voice, one that doesn't lie or whisper that I'm not good enough.  Through the blood of Jesus, I am righteous and one day I shall see Him, be enveloped in His arms, and behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed upon me.  Will I see you there too?

Let's pray!

Thank You, Father God, for such a love.  I cannot fathom it, cannot explain it, and cannot have it taken from me.  My election is sure and I am so thankful, Lord, that You saw something in me worth saving.  May I honor You with the sacrifices made for me with my life is my prayer today.  In the sweet name of Jesus I pray it, amen.

Straws

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Straws Current mood: determined I have been holding onto a grudge. A grudge that I know is stupid. In fact, in reality, it has no place in my life. Because in my marvelous hindsight and infinite wisdom, I realize the source of this resentment is just a family, a family who thought they were doing the right thing at the time. Their methods could have been more to my liking. Their—what I deemed underhandedness back then—confrontation of the situation was not godly, although they saw it as such. Their feeling of being insulted was completely justified—in their eyes—and they did what they thought should be done in order to protect their child from my evil teachings, from me. Looking back, they were wrong. Looking now, it's like the incident didn't happen. It was settled in their eyes and I don't know about their hearts. Apparently, considering how they treat me now, things were resolved to their satisfaction. I used to considerably blame them for the loss of my job but, again in my infinite wisdom, realize they were just pawns. Straws, actually, and those who had the authority over me used them to be the last one concerning my position. Yet, they are still a thorn in my flesh. I act nicely towards them. My husband has become a great friend of the father of this family. He tells me how great this man is, how his life is lived for Christ. I want to choke at this betrayal sometimes. Sometimes; not as much as I used to. For you see, this man was just a straw. My husband isn't really betraying me. He's showing me the way to be, the way a real follower of Christ should be. My Bible devotion told me this morning to read certain verses in Matthew about forgiveness and then to think of one or two folks I need to forgive. I thought, "Hmn. Nice devotion. I bet it might even work for some." I pondered that for another moment and thought "Am I going to continue just being a hearer of the Word or am I going to apply His teachings?" Sighing, I opened my Bible to those familiar passages. I've read them several times; heard them preached upon often. It's time to apply. Great. I have to actually do what the Word says or I will be the one in the wrong. Yes, this incident happened years ago. In that family's eyes, why I doubt they even know the havoc they created in my life, the betrayal I felt by these people. Why, why, why didn't they personally come to me with this problem and let us resolve it without going to the lengths they took at the time and causing me humiliation and despair? Honestly, how dared they throughout the years act like my friends? The absolute gall! Why did they do this? Because they were straws. So, now comes the big decision. I am a different person so isn't it fair to say that they too have changed? This incident probably didn't affect them nearly as much as I have allowed it to affect me. I seriously doubt if they know the grief I have felt, otherwise how can they continue on with their act of liking me and joking with? How can they? Because they actually do like me. They received the result they wanted at the time so what happened in my life is inconsequential. Not that it didn't matter; it just didn't matter to them. Why do I continue letting them have a power over me to make my day one of blaming and holding this grudge against them when their names come up? Why do I inwardly sneer when they talk of how wonderful their child is and the things being accomplished? Sigh. Why am I still harboring my own resentment? I've already stated the obvious. Truth be told, my job was gone anyway. Icing on the cake some would say this was. The last straw. Okay, back to the real issue: am I or am I not going to forgive them for their actions? They haven't asked me to because in their mind, I was the wrong doer. Stay on task here, Stef. This all took place a while ago. The only reason it comes up is because I haven't been an applier of the commandment to forgive. And there are many other circumstances where I haven't been applying what I know to. So, for this one incident, for this one day, am I going to put my faith in the One Who died for my stupidness, for my harm to others both knowingly and unknowingly, for my part of wreaking havoc on others' lives…? Am I going to revel in His forgiveness for the things I haven't repented of and perhaps am even unaware of? How many wrongs have I caused that don't even come to my mind? The people I mentioned were just pawns in Satan's evil game of trying to tear down the Christian community. It's been working but I think that yes, I am going to forgive and change teams. I want to be on the winning side now, the one where love, encouragement, true friendship and yes, forgiveness abounds. The side where people are human, they—I--make mistakes and instead of kicking when one is down, offer a hand up instead. Oh this is tough. It's easy to think I can do this at this moment, Lord. But You know ol' slew foot is going to put me in these folks' pathway and have them do or say something to bring this all back to my mind sometime either in the near future, far future, or both. In my own strength I cannot fully forgive. I'm not like You, Jesus. But I want to be so I am asking You to help me let go of my grudge against these folks. Help me to love in truth and not pretense anymore. And when the devil jabs their injustice in my face, help me to turn my cheek the other way and tell him to find some other straw. I'm not sucking up his lies anymore. Postscript Sure enough, the devil did attack after I made this resolution. But it wasn't by these people. He's so sly; he used another saved person to annoy me and to lead me to feel harshly towards. The cycle never ends. It never will until our Jesus comes for us.

Why should He?

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

It started getting really cloudy about 2:30 today. Since the weather has been so nice, my car windows were left down. It continued to get dark so I phoned a co-worker to relieve me so I could go put the windows up. One of the guys came by to check his mail and I mentioned the weather to him. He said he had just checked the weather channel and doppler indicated no moisture. As I went to my car, I thought, "God, why not show those weather people and their modern technology what You can do? You know we need rain." My thoughts went back to the UPS guy saying that our area had less than 30 days supply left before tough restrictions went into effect. "Show 'em all, God. Show 'em Who's boss!" Soon my shift was over and sure enough, no rain had fallen. I was still caught up in God showing us all that it rains on the just and the unjust and I was remembering those folks who had gathered together to pray in Georgia (I think it was Georgia). I thought, "Tonight at House of Prayer, we should do that. We should pray for rain." The Bible verse went through my mind from 2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. "Yeah Lord, heal our land. Heal Your land." And then my thoughts went forward. If my people will humble themselves. Yeah, like that's going to happen. Just this morning I read about taking one's gifts to the altar and if you or someone you know has a grudge to settle that first and then make the offering. Immediately I thought of this fella at church who won't speak to me anymore to save his life. Like he and I are going to pray in one accord. Ha. Then I thought of his daughter and the grudges she herself is carrying. Ha again. Then I thought of me and what evil I bring into the church each time I walk through those doors. If my people... Why should He? Why should God heal our land? Why should He give us water when we don't even honor Him in His house? How long would it be, if He granted this petition, before we were back to taking water for granted? How long before those who made the profession of being in unity were at each other's spiritual throats and thrusting daggers into one another's spiritual backs? ...will humble themselves...Too many of us are so busy (like my own first reaction listed above) to point the finger at the ones we deem in need of forgiveness, who need to turn from their wicked ways to humble our own sorry selves. Are we reaping the consequences for our poor behavior? Possibly. Probably. If we are, we are still getting off lightly. In conclusion, why should God heal us, our land, and show us mercy? 'Cause that's what He is known for. Will He? He told us how to get a response from Him. Any repenters out there besides me? Anyone willing to get down on his/her knees and confess to the shames we commit on a daily (in my case, hourly--uh, minutely) basis? How low can we go? In my case, I've been to the gutter too many times and I don't wish to stay there. So, tonight, I purpose to repent, to humble myself so that I may be lifted up. And if the Lord chooses to send rain, good for Him! And if He doesn't, good for Him! The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!

Who am I and what am I doing here?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Who am I and what am I doing here? How many of us have asked ourselves this question? "I'm so and so's wife, mother, daughter…" "I'm just a housewife, a secretary, a factory worker." "I'm tired, sick, overworked and underpaid." Excuse me. Did you hear my question? I didn't ask what or how you are. I asked who are you? Do you have a name? For some of us, it's often hard to remember that indeed we do. Think about it for a moment. Your name. Imagine it being said out loud. Think of the tone used when it was uttered. No, no; some of you have already drifted to "Momma!" "Honey," or, in my case, "Old woman!" Come back to the present with me. Starting with the lady on my left, tell us: who are you? I'll start so that there's no confusion. I'm Stefanie. See, that was easy. Now it's your turn. So, now that we have re-claimed a part of ourselves, let's take it a step further. On a sheet of paper, write a word that describes you that starts with the same first letter of your name. For instance, I might write "stubborn" because Stefanie begins with an s. Try to write at least three words in this manner. I wrote suppressed, seeking, and stumped. I want you now to write three words that tell more of your role in society. No, they don't have to begin with the same letter (although you can if you so desire). For instance, public servant. Oops, that's two words. But you get my point, don't you? Take a moment to add to your list. The words I chose are friend, audience, and leader. Let's discuss our words for a few moments and learn a little more about each other. Who am I and what am I doing here? I asked you this earlier. How many of you just don't know? I often wonder. Let me share an experience I had on Saturday. While at Wal-Mart, I ran into a former co-worker. When she didn't react cheerfully to seeing me, I called her on it. Turned out her 26-year-old son had been murdered the week before. Needless to say, she was heartbroken and I better understood her lack of response upon seeing me. After we hugged and talked another minute or so, I asked the question that most of us do in situations like this: is there anything I can do for you? She asked, tearfully and a bit forcefully, for me to pray for her. Assuring her I would, we said our goodbyes. In conclusion, the crux of this devotion is this: Who am I and what am I doing here? I'll tell you. You are child of The King. You are a royal ambassador. You are Christ's representative. You are the one who is supposed to turn the other cheek when you've been offended. You are the only Jesus some people will ever see. Wilma had seen Jesus in me. That's why she was able to nearly demand that I pray for her. Did I fulfill my promise to her? Yeah. I think of her often and ache for her. I pray that God will help her with the anger she is surely feeling. I ask Him to help her to focus on the good times she had with her son. I ask Him to comfort her as only He can, for He too lost His Son to murderers. He knows how she feels. Who you are varies from moment to moment. But keep this in mind: no matter where you are, who you are with, or what circumstances you find yourself in, you are saved. You are on display. You are constantly being watched. Are you in shape, ready to be recognized as God's child? He doesn't vacation and neither can we. We must be ready in and out of season to share His love, His compassions. What if at work I had decided to hide my identity in Christ? What if Wilma hadn't seen Jesus in me? It's amazing the comfort a hug, a kind word can bring. It's beyond comprehension what the prayers of a fellow believer can do. Is your light so shining before men that they might see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven? Who are you and what are you doing here?