The Bridge That Still Burns

I don't want to write this blog today. It's kind of like taking a bandage off of a wound and wondering how much it will bleed. Better to leave it covered, right? For even just taking a little peek will open my mind up to the covered injury there whereas if I leave the band-aid in place, yes, the sore is still there but...but I don't have to deal with it.

But it's too late. It's been itching lately and if I don't scratch it, I'm liable to go mad. Too many reminders are out there that it exists and each day--as if I could ever forget--the hits just keep on coming.

Today I got the news that a friend of mine's mother passed last night. Finally, for she has been suffering for a while and we all knew her days were numbered. Lois knew her end was near and my friend was able to spend a lot of quality time with her mom before this was to take place. Though I barely knew her mom, Lois' reputation was solid. She sounded like one of those characters you might see on a sitcom, full of wit and wisdom, sarcasm, and didn't take life so seriously. I know Brenda will miss her greatly.

And then there's another friend of mine, Gloria. She lost her mom two weeks ago, after an extended illness. Like Brenda, she knew the end was near and was able to spend countless hours with her mom, as well as her dad, and create memories that will bring her some comfort through the rest of her life.

I envy these women. While the situations mirror those of my own mother, I didn't have the relationship with mine that they did with theirs. The last time I saw Momma alive was two months before the cancer finally consumed her. The gulf was so vast between us then and there was this one final opportunity for her to cross the bridge and come back to my side but...She chose not to. She left me behind, again, setting the bridge on fire, and now as I ache with these friends of mine, my hurts are just as real and just as painful as that day. You'd think after three and a half years, they would have subsided but no. That burn is still there, covered for the most part, until something bumps it and makes it throb all over again.

Sigh.

I'm not sure how to conclude this blog today or what I am really even saying other than love hurts. Love scars. It stings; it mars. But it also loves beyond conflicts, over family squabbles, and will never fail. I have this promise from Jesus and I am clinging to it now with tear-filled eyes. The loss of a parent is devastating. One never really gets over it. The loss of any loved one is tremendous and the effects forever lasting. But there's hope. For some. For those who love Jesus more than self, there is a promised reunion rather than an eternal separation. Reconciliations and forgiveness still go on so for those of you who are facing the death of someone you love--or maybe even your own--so I encourage you... No, I beg of you: make it right. Make sure of your own salvation first and foremost. That is crucial and the better part. Swallow your pride and forget the past and its miseries. The present is what matters and it's all we've got. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us so again, make things right today with those whom you've wronged and/or been wronged by. The cost is too extreme when you don't.

Let's pray.

Dear Lord, as my heart aches for my lady friends whose moms are gone, I'm not sure how to reach out to comfort them. For if I go and commiserate with them and offer the platitude of "knowing how you feel" it's a lie, because my relationship with my mother was less than desired. If I go to them and just hold their hands or them, my grief over my own loss might consume me and I don't want this to be about me when they are the ones whose pain is so fresh. That's why I have avoided Gloria, as You know, because my sore spot with my mom is so raw. I don't want to weep with those who mourn because I want this part of my life that is in my past to stay there.

Oh God! Help me to be a good friend and when the time is right and I can handle my own emotions and focus on them and their heartbreaks, then let me reach out to these ladies.

Lastly, I ask that You make Yourself real to people today in a bigger way that they cannot avoid, cannot put off. Send something to remind them that eternity may be just a breath away and theirs needs to be secure. May their--and my own--eyes focus on You and see this life is not about us and what we get from it but rather that it's all about You, Lord God, and what we do to reflect You.

In the name of Jesus, I cry out to You. Heal our hurts, Lord, so that we may better serve You is my prayer. Amen.

Who's That Lady?

"How old are you anyways, Shirley?"  I asked this of the lady pictured above a few weeks ago, after I'd been moaning about my aches and pains and the joys of middle age.

"Stefanie, I'm old enough to be your mother"  she replied.

I gazed at her, then looked a little more deeply into her eyes and stated, "Well, I don't have a mother."

She looked into my eyes, thought for a moment, and said "Well, I don't have a daughter."  Then someone came and interrupted the moment but the seed was planted.  No, that's not quite true:  the seed had been planted many months ago when I was getting to know this lady.  She's the kind of woman who straightens my collar when its awry and pats me--heavily--on the shoulder when I've just told her I was a little sunburnt.  She's the one who calls me out when I get out of line just a little with my corny attempts at humor.  She's the kind of gal who prays for me and those others she loves faithfully.

Last night, at our Christmas dinner at church, she good-humoredly fussed at me for taking so many pictures.  I told her I needed to so that one day when my mind finally goes, I'll have photographs of those I love to remember them by.  She took my face in her two sweet hands, held it firmly, looked into my eyes as only Shirley can, and said "I will never let you forget me."  My eyes are filled with tears--again--as I recall this.

Shirley.  Shirley Killian.  The soul with a heart of gold who makes my life brighter.  I love this woman!  While she can't replace my earthly mother, she can fill that need for a womanly momma/big sister hole that throbs in my heart at the most unexpected times.  Jesus told us this would happen.  I just love it when He's right!

Let's pray!

Dear God, how I thank You for the Shirleys You send in this world to replace the family members that one no longer has--or maybe has but who isn't a part of that one's life anymore.  Lord, we need the Shirleys, the Bettys, the Palmas, the Pollys and the Lindas.  Thank You for being true to Your Word.  Although they aren't always aware they are Your special angels, You and I know the truth.  Bless them mightily I pray and may I one day too be someone's special person to fill a void that she has.  In the name of Jesus I pray.  Amen.  

Soul Survivor

May 22, 2015

Misery. Troubles. Pain. Excruciating or acute distress. What words describe that darkness in your soul? And what is a soul really? Dictionary.com describes it this way: the spiritual part of humans regarded in its moral aspect, or as believed to survive death and be subject to happiness or misery in a life to come.

At some point in our lives, each of us has suffered heartache. Each of us has been tempted to throw in the towel, give up, scream, cry, beat our fists against the wall. Something--or someone--has so torn apart our worlds that had it not been for the mercy of God, we wouldn't be here today to see that we indeed were not alone in our roughest times, our darkest days. Joy did come in the morning--even though it may not have been the first morning after. Or the next. Or maybe even the next.

I've been reflecting on how much my life has changed over the past two plus years since my mother died. There was so much heartache, bitterness, hurt, red-hot anger, humility...I think I ran the whole gamut of adjectives that described my bruised and battered heart. Many of you started on that journey with me while others left me on the way because my pain was just too real and you had your own things to carry. And that's okay. Now. There is no limit on grief, no certain day when one suddenly wakes up and the loss is no longer felt. No, it takes time and our Lord often works so gradually that we aren't even aware that progress is being made but you know what? It is. We may not be able to measure it nor track it but one day...One day the hurt isn't as strong. The tears don't come as easily. That memory makes you smile instead of buckle. You find yourself calmer, your temper is settled.

How does this miracle take place? Through God's unfailing love. I'll say it again: through God's unfailing love. Unfailing: now there's a word for us! The definition goes like this: not giving way; not falling short of expectation; completely dependable; inexhaustible;  endless.

Yep, sure sounds like God to me! His supply of patience while we mourn, grieve, or just feel sad is inexhaustible. His love is endless and does not fall short. When others can no longer give, He is completely dependable and ready to comfort us, to listen to our woes, and to let us just relax in Him as He holds us while we cry. Too many times we think we are in the process alone when instead, we have the Great Comforter beside of us, stilling us, healing us. How great is our God?!

Let's pray!

Dear Lord in Heaven, how my heart thrills as I think on You. The way You love me and put up with me and continue to inspire me dazzles my tiny little brain! But even more so than that, God? It--You!!--amaze me. Always there. Always ready to help. Always putting me first. To say "thank You" seems too small but it's all I've got, God.

Thank You. I rejoice in You this moment and I am glad, so very glad, You are my Father, Friend, and Faithful Companion. Thank You for loving me when I have been most unlovable. Thank You for not running off when my emotions were too raw for others to handle. Thank You for teaching me all of the lessons I learned through this season of life. I am better because of it and though I probably wouldn't have done so at the first, I praise You now for allowing this trial in my life to become a testimony of Your love.

There are still some issues and many more lessons to grow from but with You by my side, I can do this. You can do this through me.

In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.