Are you a shameful sinner or a sorry saint?

Huh?  What kind of question is that?  A "shameful sinner"--what does that even mean?  And "sorry saint"?  Please explain!

Okay, since you asked, I will.  First though, let's simplify things a little.  In the course of this blog, I will refer to shameful sinners as "ss" and sorry saints as "SS" so that I won't have to repeat those phrases so much.

There's a difference between being ashamed about something and having sorrow over it.  Steve and I have been pondering this for a couple of days now and so apparently, has our good friend James MacDonald.  Throw in incidences from our grandsons, our selves, and worldly issues and it's been quite the wandering event going on here, as you can see in this picture.

Why do we teach our children to say "I'm sorry" when an infraction has occurred?  Sure, we want them to be polite.  We want them to acknowledge another's pain.  We think they need to learn how to behave better.  But what about when they have to apologize but...but they aren't really sorry?  Gulp.  I mean, sure, maybe it could have been handled differently but to be sorry when deep inside we are glad we did what we did?  After all, didn't that one have it coming to him/her?  I have found in trying to teach this lesson that it can go into a barrage of guilt and shame in trying to make one child apologize to the other when I could see his heart was not in it.

Ahh, the heart.  The heart that controls our emotions, our feelings, and our deepest desires.  Heads?  Heads teach us reason, to rationalize, and to mandate to society.  Hearts though are special, tender, and stubborn.  To admit we were the one who was wrong, that it was our poor choices that led to this climax, and that we are then the ones who have to humble ourselves?  Hmn hmn hmn.  That's when things can get tricky.

Let's switch gears a moment and talk about shame.  Shame too involves our feelings but the key here is that that is what it's about:  our feelings.  Me.  Mine.  Shame is often internalized and while we may battle its effects, it's a private battle that we let few (if any) in on.  We can have disgust at ourselves, at our tendencies to do wrong things--and make no mistake:  we know they are wrong.  Shame hides in the dark (hmn hmn hmn) and hopes no one finds out its ugliness.  Shame doesn't want others to know of our embarrassments over our fetishes and foolishnesses but when the truth comes out?  Oh my.  Shame has two choices then.  It can either say "The world accepts this behavior.  Who are you to judge?"  Or, it can lead to to sorrow, godly sorrow, that leads to repentance.

Can you be sorry without shame?  I don't think so.  Can you have shame without being sorry?  Definitely.  While ss like to keep things hidden, SS have to outwardly express their wrongs.  They are brought into the light and dealt with there.  Shame has turned into "not judging" and "accepting the sin" rather than the sinner, as many of us were taught.  Thanks to society, many sins that are daily committed are not even classified as being wrong anymore.  Instead, they are embraced, welcomed, and glorified even.  My friends, this ought not to be so!

We all have tendencies within us to do evil.  The difference is when we act upon them.  When we justify them and make them right in our own eyes, we are headed for trouble.  Things like homosexuality, murder, vindication, adultery, stealing, cheating, lying.  Oh be careful Stef:  you are about to step on some toes!  Yeah, mine are pretty sore themselves because I am certainly not sinless.  Jesus taught us that if we look upon another with lust that we have already committed adultery in our hearts.    He taught us to love our neighbors as ourselves and I'll tell you what:  there are some of my neighbors that I would bend over backwards to help out at any given moment.  But then there are some that...well, it'd be tough for me to love them without a lot of assistance from the Good Lord.  So, you see, I am far from perfect myself, friends.  Have you ever heard the expression "some folks just need killin'"?  Yeah, it's hard for ol' Stef to wait on the promised vengeance that is God's.  Let's not even talk about the things my mind conjures up to help Him out in that department.

To conclude and hopefully bring this blog into some semblance of sense, we are all sinners.  We all fall short of the glory of God.  We all need a Saviour.  Christ Jesus is the Final Authority:  not the government, not society, and not the Constitution which has been rewritten.  The Holy Bible is full of men with faults who had a choice to make--just like you and I do.  Will we be shameful sinners and hope our sins don't get found out or will we repent, will we return to God, and will we humble ourselves and admit our failures?  Sorry Saints are in the light and their difference from shameful sinners is that they went the next step.  For you see, ss know that what they are doing is wrong.  They aren't kidding themselves.  They cry out to God for Him to take away this burden but they don't go the next step, the step that SS do:  they don't turn from their sin.  They keep on practicing it.  They don't intend to stop.  SS, on the other hand (and please pardon the pun), will cut off their arms, pluck out their eyes, and flee from evil in their repentance.  Whatever it takes, they will do to be right with God.  Relationship with Christ is their hearts' desire above all, above the selfish desires of self.  What God says versus what they want is their intention.  

So, what are you sorry for today?  Did you commit that act on purpose?  What do you feel deep shame over--or maybe just minor shame since we really aren't that bad?  (Ahem)  Will pride, guilt, and selfishness keep you from Christ or cause you to run to Him?  He's standing there, with arms wide open, to welcome you back.  He loves you in your sin, oh yes but...but He cannot allow you to continue in it and expect that He accepts it because you and Him have an "understanding" that the Bible was written for everyone else except you.  Repentance was defined as being "a recognition of sin followed by heartfelt sorrow culminating in a change of behavior" in James MacDonald's messages recently.  Do you need to change your behavior today, loved ones?  

Sigh.

Let's pray.

Well, Lord, here I go again, preaching to the choir.  Sigh.  You know the depths of my sins, Father, and the things I fight against giving into.  You know my pride, my sense of feeling I am the right one while it's mostly everyone else who is wrong.  You know my shame, oh my shame, Father, over things I have done and truthfully, often still think about doing.  

I need a cleansing, Lord.  A detoxification.  It's me, again, oh Lord, who stands in the need of prayer.  As my heart continues to war with my head, with my flesh, with my society, please stay in the forefront of my mind.  It's surely a battlefield up there, God, and I keep forgetting to put on my whole armor.  I keep forgetting that like the impotent man, I have no man to do this for me.  It's me.  My choices and my decisions.  My want to get up and walk or my desire to stay in the pigsty like the prodigal son.  

Thank You for giving me the option to rise, Lord.  With my hand in Yours, I will not stumble.  Hold me tight, I pray!  In the name of Jesus, amen.

Paging Dr. Hardy. Dr. Steve Hardy: you're needed in emergency.

I used to--well, truthfully I sometimes still do--wish sometimes that I could be put into a medically-induced coma.  In my fantasy, I would be "put under" for the necessary amount of time that would be needed to "fix me."

The doctors would have a tough road ahead of them!  There's the issues of my aching muscles, my ever-popping-up skin cancers, my weight, my eyesight which is waning, my teeth that also could use some work, my hands with their pre-carpal tunnel syndrome, my frequent coughing attacks, my leaky bladder...

Too much information?  Yeah.  Okay.  I'll leave the rest to your imaginations.

I wondered though what would happen while I was comatose.  How much time would seriously be needed to make my body better, faster, stronger, more like The Six Million Dollar Man's or The Bionic Woman's?  Would I be able to still "hear" the voices of my loved ones that visited and be kept up-to-date with worldly occurrences?  Would my grandsons visit me at first, miss me bunches, or (gulp) forget about me completely?  Would my husband tire of working his long days and eventually only visit me on weekends?

Mostly though I wondered if God could come into my soul at this same time and give me a spiritual makeover.  My heart is in definite need of repair!  It needs strengthened, softened, and toughened at the same time.  My eyes need some rose-colored glasses put on them so that I might see the world through His eyes instead of my jaded ones (ha!  and you thought they were blue).  My ears need to be attuned so that I might hear His voice more easily and respond to the needs I hear rather than the cynicism that drowns out others' cries because of the lack of my listening skills.  My hands need to be opened so that I may give more.  My body needs to be devoted to Christ's demands and not those of the flesh that it tends to obey currently.

Do you get the picture, friends?  Any of you dare to confess you have thought about this too, about being made whole without putting any effort into it?  Just a few nips here, a tuck or two there, and voila`!  The new and improved super saint would be ready for the world!  No need for physical training, dieting, conditioning, and so on.  Nope.  Just go to sleep one day and when you are awakened, all these things will be added to you.

Sadly, it doesn't work that way.  Oh sure, like Stefan (our impotent man at the pool), many of us have lain around for innumerable years, waiting for our fairy godmother to come and wave her magic wand and perform her miracles.  I mean, why trouble ourselves to get out of this condition, right?  After all, surely if God wanted us to be better, He'd make us so.  He is the One with the power, right?  He is the Miracle Worker.  If we are really so bad, wouldn't He in all of His infinite knowledge know what we need and how to give it to us?  Couldn't He with just one thought--He wouldn't even have to touch us because His power is so great--He could make us whole.

In conclusion, to my knowledge, there is not a coma procedure to fix broken gals like me, to repair our worn parts, nor to heal our tattered souls.  However, there is a Saviour named Jesus Who is on stand-by, willing to create clean hearts in us, ready to renew right spirits within us, and ready to give us a new body in heaven that one day will be infirmity free.  Until then, though, sisters, we have to do our parts.  We have to accept that we are who got us into this shape and until we resign ourselves into finally believing and realizing that there are no magical cures, no quick fixes, and no fairy godmothers (or as Stefan said "no man to help me").  Though we often feel alone, He is there, with outstretched hands, looking for us on the horizon to make the first move so that He may run to us.  Are you ready to make that move?  Our physical and spiritual bodies await!

Let's pray!

As I once again blog to the choir, Lord, I still seem to find myself hesitating in making that move.  Even though I know there will be better things ahead, sometimes that scares me.  I like the fact that I know pretty much what to expect if I stay in the condition I am in.  I like knowing folks won't bother me for stuff when right now I have proven myself pretty useless.  Who needs them anyways, Lord?  When I make an attempt to be better, it is so often shot down and the rejection toll is high.  How much more can my heart stand?

What's that You say?  I came not to be served but to serve.

But Lord?  They are so needy!  They always are pulling and tugging and demanding and did I mention needy?!

Weren't you this way, Stef?  Aren't you still this way, Stef?  Yeah, you need an overhaul--physically and spiritually. Will You let me help you?  Do you want to be made whole?  I'm watching for you.  Will you come?  Will you rise and pick up your mat and walk?  I promise I will hold your hand!  It's there now.  Will you take it, child?

Lord, I don't want to walk away sorrowfully like the rich man who wouldn't give up his wealth.  My head knows Your way is better.  My heart knows Your truths.  My spirit is willing, oh it's so willing.  But my flesh, Lord?  It's battling me.  My mind is in a constant state of flux.  That which I would do I do not.  That which I wouldn't do, I do.  Like Paul, I need deliverance!  

Okay.  Deep sigh.  For today, for this moment, Lord Jesus, I will rise.  I will take Your hand.  Don't let me go!  Being steady on my feet is not something I am known for.  May my weaknesses and imperfections be made whole in You, is my prayer.

Wishin' and Hopin' and Prayin'

Question: Do you want to get well?
Answer: I have no one to help me.

Question: Would you like to get well?
Answer: "I can't, Sir," the sick man said, "for I have no one to put me into the pool when the water bubbles up. Someone else always gets there ahead of me."

Question: Do you wish to get well?
Answer: The sick man answered Him, "Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming, another steps down before me."

Question: When Jesus saw him lie, and knew that he had been now a long time in that case, He saith unto him, Wilt thou be made whole?
Answer: The impotent man answered him, Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming, another steppeth down before me.

Four different versions of the same conversation and not in a one of them do I read the words "Yes. Yes I want to get better. Yes, I want to be made whole. Yes, that is my wish: to be well."

Do you ever wonder if Jesus is tired of your excuses, tired of your fence-sitting, and/or tired of your lukewarm attitude? Well, wonder no more! Your cries have been heard. Listen as He speaks:
   
     Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." (NIV)
     Jesus saith unto him, Rise, take up thy bed, and walk. (KJV)

Do you want to be healed or do you just want attention? Do you want to whine instead of being made whole? Don't answer too rashly. Maybe you need a few more years of wandering in the desert. Perhaps some more time lounging at the pool is in order.

Sarcastic much, Stef?

Unfortunately, yes. Yes I am. But I am also sincere. So many times I have made new year's resolutions to conquer such and such behaviour. I've planned new regimes on more fingers and toes that I can count on. I've begged others to journey with me because I know how complacent I get without an accountability partner. So while these words have a bite, listen also to the ring of truth in them.

Do you wish (which implies a dream) or do you want (which implies some effort is going to have to go into it) to get well? Will you be made whole or are you just gonna lay there a while longer and think about it?

Let's pray!

Dear Lord, here's Your wayward child, running her mouth again, trying to straighten everyone else out when she is the one who is bent over, crooked, and in need of Your touch, Your healing, Your completeness. I write this blog in hopes of reaching others but today, God, today it's me who needs to have the waters stirred. Today it's me who needs to have a heavenly visitor come and help me out. Today I find myself on the fence again, wavering, Father, as my flesh battles my desire to be more like You. I wish to be made whole but am not sure I want to put the work into it. Help me? In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

"They that are whole need not a physician."

"They that are whole need not a physician."

The impotent man in John 5 (or as I like to refer to him, Stefan) had been in his situation for a long time. We aren't told his age but I daresay his condition wasn't one since birth. Therefore, and because of what Jesus told him after He healed him, Stefan had in part been responsible for his condition.

I may have mentioned that Steve and I are doing "The Armor of God" study by Priscilla Shirer. This morning's lesson was on the breastplate of righteousness and just how very important it is to guard your heart. Your soul. Your inner being. Your inner self.

Before we finished our lesson and began our day, I prayed for my hubby and for me. I tend to need it more than he does. Seriously: the running joke at our home is that Steve's heart is three sizes too small. While mine may not be three sizes too large, it's much more tender, much more sensitive, and often quite easily damaged. Therefore, this breastplate is a piece of defense I can scarce afford to be without.

I wasn't sure where to go with today's lesson so I went to the cabinet where our rarely used Bibles are kept and found the one I referred to yesterday. Tattered. Torn. Well-worn and used. I flipped through it and found dates listed (marriages, births, deaths). I saw scriptures I had highlighted or underlined. Reading a couple of them, I smiled, remembering vaguely some past sermons from beloved preachers. Turned some more pages and I found a card from Steve and two notes from my daughter. Trying to remember when they were written took me back to those times as I tried to recall when I was a mommy instead of a granny. A couple of bookmarks perused over and one obituary notice and then it happened. The dagger. The cutting of my spirit. The sagging of my soul.

No, I won't share that with you because then this blog would be all about me instead of God. It worked a little while ago and got me off track, got my thoughts on me and past "poor-ol'-Stef" situations that don't belong in my present. They aren't going to keep me chained, keep me bitter, keep me impotent. For too long of my lifetime they had me imprisoned but...but not today. Today I am stronger. Protected. Ready for those darts--but only when I remember that each situation I allow myself to be in has its own temptations, its own stumblingblocks, and its own powers. When I walk in the truth and when I keep my attention on Christ, then the focus is on Him, not me.  

Like Stefan, I laid around for many many years, wallowing in my miseries, looking for someone, anyone, anything to pick me up. Be made whole? Ha! Who could fix this broken one? Some pieces were gone--gone, I say. Some were so shattered that how could they possibly be superglued back together? Even Mod Podge didn't stand a chance at reassembling the mess I was.

Will you be made whole? Can you be made whole? Remember at weddings what words the pastor ends the ceremony with: "what God hath joined together let no man tear asunder"? One day, friends, our Groom is coming for us and He will restore, repair, and regenerate in us all that was lost, all that was stolen from us, and all that was shattered. Let's not just lie waiting though in our broken parts. Get your battle gear on and if you can do nothing else, if you are so crippled and so incapacitated, then just stand. Stand, friends. Get up.

Let's pray!

Dear Lord, how I thank You for all of the available tools You put at my disposal. However, Lord, because the devil is so sneaky and so wily, I must be on guard even when I think the area I am in is safe. My church, my pretty purple room, the songs on my Ipod, the tv shows I watch, the books I read, the people I communicate with all have the potential to bring me harm when my defenses are down and I take my eyes off of You. Help me, help those who are reading this blog, please, Lord, for we need You so. Come quickly, Lord Jesus, and join us with You. Amen.