It was me. Again.

Go ahead and ask anyone.  They will tell you this truth:  Steve and Stefanie really love each other.  They still have fun together.  The romance is still alive.  They are one another's best friends.  Each is the other's main cheerleaders, support system, and go-to person.  If one falls, you may be sure the other is right there beside that soul, ready to pull that spouse up out of the mire and get those feet settled back on solid ground.

So, why then were these past few days so rough?  Why--when like clockwork, hands that used to automatically find one another--were prayers said separately, hands in laps rather than entwined and not in unison while in church this morning?  Why was there room for another person between them rather than them being side-by-side in an almost nauseating way that made other folks wonder just how these two can still be so close after nearly thirty-two years of marriage?  

I'll tell you, straight from the horse's mouth.  It's my fault.  I did something wrong and it caused friction.  He knew it and I knew it.  God most certainly knew it.  Do you remember a while back when I said us women just like being told what to do?  It gives us security and allows us to know the expectations that have been set before us.  Well, the other day I was told--quite rudely, in fact--that I needed to stop doing something, something that was offensive to this soul, and something that had been asked of me before to refrain from doing but...but I thought if I did it just every once in a while it wouldn't be so bad.  I thought if I just alluded to certain forbidden areas that a greater good could come from it.  I thought if I occasionally imbibed in this arena that no harm would result and that it would only enhance my project.

Well, guess what?  It did hurt someone.  Whatever good I had hoped would come from it had been turned into a stumbling block and a chord of dissension was woven into the tapestry of my wonderful life.  Even though I personally didn't see the harm, the effects were now glaringly in front of me, not to be denied, and if there was anything to salvage from it, I was going to have to...I was going to have to...I was going to have to not only apologize (again!!) but also I was going to have to go deeper.  I was going to have to acknowledge my wrongdoing. I was going to have to try my best to undo what had been done-- and I was furious!

Didn't matter that some points of the argument seemed to me to be beyond ridiculous.  Didn't matter that hours of hard work was going to have to be destroyed, removed, and lose its potential benefit of blessing others.  I was asked on more than one occasion to not do this certain thing and my pride rebelled and I did it anyway.  Numerous times.  And for the most part, it had gone on unnoticed and so I found myself doing it subversively time and time again.

When it all blew up in my face--as secret sin tends to do--I was miserable.  At first, I was all full of righteous indignation.  I mean, was this really even considerate of being called sin?  Then I was Miss Devil's Advocate, trying to see things from the injured one's perspective.  Then I was mad again and even though I felt justified for my actions, that still small voice was telling me I would have to back down on this one.  I was going to have to do what I was told and that Stef?  Stef, you were wrong.  

Gulp.

Yeah.  I was not a happy camper.  But, like a good Christian woman, I began the process of disseminating those projects.  With anger.  With fury.  With hot tears streaming down my face as my flesh rebelled and tried to justify its wants.  Oh yeah, I was in Super Christian Mode, I tell you, as I angrily and feverishly--and did I mention angrily??--spent the next few days trying to right this wrong.  When Sunday came and it was time for church, I knew I was going to be in for it. So, the night before, I tried to pray and let it go.  I really did.  I seriously did not want this fury inside of me, damaging me, separating me from my oh-so-sweet husband who knew--like I knew--that I was wrong.  But--and here's the kicker--he was still there by my side.  Knowing I was now doing the right thing, there he stood, loving me, feeling my pain, and trying his best to soothe this savage beast.

It only added fuel to the fire.

How can he be so gentle?  How can he even stand to be in the same room as me?  How can he acknowledge my sin and still want a relationship with me?  As the distance between us grew, so did my resolve to get this fluff taken care of.  I did not want to be appeased; I wanted to be vindicated.  I wanted to be mad for a little while.  I wanted to wallow in my misery and do what had to be done and I wanted to calm down when I was good and ready.  Guess what?  Yep, my Super Saint of a Husband gave me that time.  He knows me well.  He still kept reaching out to me.  Still kept offering me hugs and sympathetic smiles.  And I still kept pulling away, preferring to be alone with my angst, and still trying to work it out on my own.

Sigh.  So now, as he lies sleeping in the bed where we talked it out some more, here I am.  I marvel at how much Steve is like my Jesus.  Gentle.  Longsuffering.  Waiting for me to confess my sin and repent of it so that restoration can take place.  Waiting to hug me, to dry my tears that are now of shame rather than anger, and waiting to envelop me in His arms.  Waiting to soothe me, to tell me that even though I messed up, He still wants me.  

This has been a rough few days.  I do not like being away from my beloved.  I don't like being out of sync.  As the distance in church was noted, I realized how sneaky and crafty the devil is.  Trying to tear us asunder??  I think not!  We have braved so much of life with all of its up and downs, near death experiences, loves and losses...To think that I am going to give in to my pride and lose what I hold most dear is a thought that needs to be cast away, much like this episode in our Real Husbands And Wives of God's Saints.  I even imagined at tonight's service--as the devil once again began tossing his fiery darts my way--that if I had a shield like I saw at the Dollar Tree the other day and that I could use it to fend them off.  I pictured myself weaving it to and fro as each attack came and watching them ping off of me as no contact was made.  

Okay, I need to wrap this up so that I can go wrap myself back in my love's arms.  But before I do that, I need more importantly to make things right with Jesus.  I need to tell Him how appalled I am at my selfish desires and how I let them control me.  I need to repent of these sins and tell Him how sorry I am of the hurts that were caused because of them.  I need to confess that I need His help and that I gladly accept His assistance as the battle for my mind and the desires of my flesh attack me throughout the day.  I need to be restored.

Lord Jesus?  How do You put up with me?  How did You choose all those eons ago to make me one of Your own?  As You did with Adam, I too have been formed from the dust and I am messy.  I let debris cling to me that makes me dirty and disheveled.  And how I need You, Lord, to make me clean!

Jesus, I was wrong to commit that--those--sins.  I was giving into my wants and desires and not considering the wishes of another.  I let myself believe that it'd be okay and that it wasn't a big deal but I was wrong.  It is a big deal and now there are consequences from it.  My testimony took a hard hit and while I was lying there trying to recover from it, it made me look up.  It enabled me to hit the bottom and discern what is the next best course of action.  In some ways, it created a crossroads that I had been dawdling at for some time and now I know which path to take.  Your Word says to give thanks in all things so I thank You.  All things do indeed work together for good and with Your help and leadership, I can now progress instead of being caught in a past that is full of hindrances.

Thank You for this lesson.  It was tough and I did not want to admit my guilt but there is no choice if I am to have restoration.  I miss my husband's hand in mine and Lord, I miss Yours in my other.  

I'm ready now to stop being mad.  I'm ready to let it go and make a message out of the mess.  I've been avoiding this turning point for a while now, Lord, but now is the time for action.  Will You help me?  Will You guide me and show me where to go next?  I think I know but I want to be sure.  Speak to me, oh Wise One.  I'm ready to hear You.  I'm ready to listen.  I'm ready to do.