The Bridge That Still Burns

I don't want to write this blog today. It's kind of like taking a bandage off of a wound and wondering how much it will bleed. Better to leave it covered, right? For even just taking a little peek will open my mind up to the covered injury there whereas if I leave the band-aid in place, yes, the sore is still there but...but I don't have to deal with it.

But it's too late. It's been itching lately and if I don't scratch it, I'm liable to go mad. Too many reminders are out there that it exists and each day--as if I could ever forget--the hits just keep on coming.

Today I got the news that a friend of mine's mother passed last night. Finally, for she has been suffering for a while and we all knew her days were numbered. Lois knew her end was near and my friend was able to spend a lot of quality time with her mom before this was to take place. Though I barely knew her mom, Lois' reputation was solid. She sounded like one of those characters you might see on a sitcom, full of wit and wisdom, sarcasm, and didn't take life so seriously. I know Brenda will miss her greatly.

And then there's another friend of mine, Gloria. She lost her mom two weeks ago, after an extended illness. Like Brenda, she knew the end was near and was able to spend countless hours with her mom, as well as her dad, and create memories that will bring her some comfort through the rest of her life.

I envy these women. While the situations mirror those of my own mother, I didn't have the relationship with mine that they did with theirs. The last time I saw Momma alive was two months before the cancer finally consumed her. The gulf was so vast between us then and there was this one final opportunity for her to cross the bridge and come back to my side but...She chose not to. She left me behind, again, setting the bridge on fire, and now as I ache with these friends of mine, my hurts are just as real and just as painful as that day. You'd think after three and a half years, they would have subsided but no. That burn is still there, covered for the most part, until something bumps it and makes it throb all over again.

Sigh.

I'm not sure how to conclude this blog today or what I am really even saying other than love hurts. Love scars. It stings; it mars. But it also loves beyond conflicts, over family squabbles, and will never fail. I have this promise from Jesus and I am clinging to it now with tear-filled eyes. The loss of a parent is devastating. One never really gets over it. The loss of any loved one is tremendous and the effects forever lasting. But there's hope. For some. For those who love Jesus more than self, there is a promised reunion rather than an eternal separation. Reconciliations and forgiveness still go on so for those of you who are facing the death of someone you love--or maybe even your own--so I encourage you... No, I beg of you: make it right. Make sure of your own salvation first and foremost. That is crucial and the better part. Swallow your pride and forget the past and its miseries. The present is what matters and it's all we've got. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us so again, make things right today with those whom you've wronged and/or been wronged by. The cost is too extreme when you don't.

Let's pray.

Dear Lord, as my heart aches for my lady friends whose moms are gone, I'm not sure how to reach out to comfort them. For if I go and commiserate with them and offer the platitude of "knowing how you feel" it's a lie, because my relationship with my mother was less than desired. If I go to them and just hold their hands or them, my grief over my own loss might consume me and I don't want this to be about me when they are the ones whose pain is so fresh. That's why I have avoided Gloria, as You know, because my sore spot with my mom is so raw. I don't want to weep with those who mourn because I want this part of my life that is in my past to stay there.

Oh God! Help me to be a good friend and when the time is right and I can handle my own emotions and focus on them and their heartbreaks, then let me reach out to these ladies.

Lastly, I ask that You make Yourself real to people today in a bigger way that they cannot avoid, cannot put off. Send something to remind them that eternity may be just a breath away and theirs needs to be secure. May their--and my own--eyes focus on You and see this life is not about us and what we get from it but rather that it's all about You, Lord God, and what we do to reflect You.

In the name of Jesus, I cry out to You. Heal our hurts, Lord, so that we may better serve You is my prayer. Amen.

But I Didn't Do It!!

Do you ever mix up Bible verses or take them out of the context for which their purpose is actually meant?  Me too!  

Case in point:  as you read the two passages pictured, you can see how similar they are.  They both deal with wayward brothers (and sisters).  They both deal with how to handle issues that are in need of reconciliation.  They both deal with (gulp) you being the one to go try to rectify the situation so that peace may be restored.  Yes:  you.  Even though the “brother” may be the one with the problem, you are to go to him.  

Okay Stef, I don’t think I like where this is going.  

Join the club!  But hang with me, for you see, there is a difference here that begs exploration.

In the first scenario, the brother has his feathers all ruffled up about something you did that bothers him.  His problem, right?  I mean, after all, we aren’t responsible for how others feel or how they assume what we said meant something else.  If they misunderstood, then that is on them, not us.  Maybe next time they’ll listen better.

Mmn hmn.  

If there is a next time.

If there is another time when they will allow you in their inner circle that--oh by the way--involves several of your peeps too.  Mmn hmn.  Peeps that are starting to notice a new friction, a separation, that something is off.  Now whose problem is it?

Let’s move on to the second scenario.  This time the brother has done something to you.  Because you are so sweet and wise and don’t want there to be conflict, you go to said brother and tell him “Look Buddy, what you did really hurt my feelings.  You took something that did not belong to you and recompense needs to be made.”  Something like that.  However, this brother is not interested in your hurt feelings, or giving back to you what is now in his possession.  In fact, he doesn’t really even want to discuss this with you.  So, being the “good Christian soul” that you are, you go to your trusted friends and ask them to try to help you make this right.  After all, just because the brother offended you doesn’t mean you want to cut him out of your life.  You just want peace and cannot have it until this situation has been rectified.  You still love him it’s just that he messed up and needs to say he’s sorry.

But no, this brother still isn’t interested in reconciliation, even though you brought along a couple of peacemakers to be non-biased and get things back in order.  They see the effects this is having not only on you two but on the friendship as a whole.  Wanting to honor Christ, they urge you both to get this settled.  If it is, then you get your brother back, fellowship is restored, and life goes on.  If, however, your brother still refuses to reconcile, then he is wrong.  He is brought before the church for one last opportunity to repent and then his ultimate decision is to be made:  do I lower myself so I may be raised back up and restored or...or do I choose to be right in spite of the consequences, in spite of losing my church family, my reputation, and my testimony?  

For arguments’ sake, let’s conclude this by saying it’s all the brother’s fault.  He is the one with the problem in both situations.  Let him deal with it as he sees fit.  Me?  I’m just going to pretend like it all didn’t even happen and wait for him to come to his senses.  He’ll miss me soon enough and if there’s some collateral damage on the way, it won’t be my fault.  After all, I am the injured party.  If anyone needs apologized to, it’s me.  No way.  Unh unh!  I will not go to him and make things right.  

That only leaves one more last question then before I close.  If the brother is wrong (and I think we have proven that he is) and if the brother has hurt you (and we’ve shown this to be true to as well) then why is Jesus telling us--you, me--to go first?  First.  Privately.  Just the two of you.  Why did Jesus put that responsibility on you, on me?  Why didn’t He put it on the brother who was the one who erred to begin with?  Why is it our problem?

Let’s pray!

Oh Lord, how You know my reasons for writing this blog today!  The situation I am dealing with is quickly festering into something stinky and hurtful and in my opinion, one that needs to be dealt with fast.  My sensitive soul keeps thinking this “brother” should come to me, that he will see how wrong he was, and that we will talk and then laugh at how silly the whole thing was and how great it is to be friends again.  Restoration will take place and our friendship will be stronger than before because we proved Your way to be best.

But God?  My brother isn’t coming.  Not to his senses and not to me.  I know what to do but...but Lord?  I don’t want to!  I do not want to go to this soul and ask forgiveness for something I did not do!!  But...gulp.  Sigh.  But God, Your Son Jesus said it’s me who needs to take that step.  It’s me who needs to go try to rectify and heal what has been damaged.  Obviously, I care and am bothered by it, as well as the effects it is having on those around me.  So, prepare me, Father.  Tenderize my heart and pride to humble myself and go make peace.  It is possible.  It is necessary.  And my heart is tired of hurting over this.  

Go before me, I ask.  Prepare this brother’s heart to be willing to accept me, to listen to me, to forgive me.  Had a hard time writing that last word, Lord!  Obviously I am still struggling here but I know:  I know this is necessary.  Sigh.  Oh Lord!  Help me to make this right, I pray, in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

My brain keeps telling me to do bad things

Those were the words one of my grandsons said last night, as he explained why he was so tired.  Oh how I can relate!

Instead of taking my time to focus on God and study His Word today, my attention got distracted by Pinterest.  Arrgghhh!  That site will have one dazzled, inspired, allured, and before you know it, several hours have passed and all of the plans made to be productive are now floundering about in my head as I think of all the things I could make, could learn how to do, and could share with others run haphazardly through my mind.

Distractions.  They surround us.  No matter how focused on a task, they come--uninvited, mind you--to keep one from doing what is right.  That's not to say they are telling us to do bad things but...But if truth be told, if they are preventing us from doing what is our lot in life, then methinks some self-discipline is in order.

In front of me, on the top of my window sill, are the whatevers of the Bible for me to be reminded of doing. 

While spending two or three hours on Pinterest isn't bad, it did keep me from fully focusing on Christ first.  First.  I could justify it and say that the things I was looking at were to further the gospel and fellowship amongst our sisters who join for Crafts Day once a month.  Right?  Couldn't I?  Maybe, had I done this second or even third after.  After putting Jesus first.  After spending some time doing something for Him rather than about Him.  After fellowshipping first with Him then I could perhaps somehow make these past hours have some value to them.  Then I could rationally and fully focus on those whatevers that are lovely, true, right, and so on.  But isn't Christ at the top of this list?  He should be.  He's supposed to be.

My brain keeps telling me to do bad things.  No wonder the kid was exhausted.  

Let's pray.

Lord, with head bowed low and mind tired, I come to You.  Not my first fruits and I wouldn't blame You a bit if you didn't accept my offering now.  You deserve so much more and my shame is great as I contemplate on the time I waste on worldly things when I could be walking with You.  I tell myself these things are done in Your name, for Your people, and for "good" reasons.  But the fact is, Father, that while that all may be true, I need to first sit at Your feet, to choose the better part as Mary did.  Sigh.  We both know I have more Martha in me than Mary.

As my day is halfway over, I purpose to focus on You with it first.  Right now.  May my brain tell me to do good things, Lord.  May my struggles end with the rest found in You is my prayer.  In the name of Jesus I ask for reconciliation with You.  Amen.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (?)

Tis a Fearful Thing

by Yehuda HaLevi (1075 – 1141)

‘Tis a fearful thing

to love what death can touch.

A fearful thing

to love, to hope, to dream, to be –

to be,

And oh, to lose.

A thing for fools, this,

And a holy thing,

a holy thing

to love.

For your life has lived in me,

your laugh once lifted me,

your word was gift to me.

To remember this brings painful joy.

‘Tis a human thing, love,

a holy thing, to love

what death has touched.

Grief.  The gift that keeps on giving, even when you weren't expecting it to visit.  For instance, yesterday while at Walmart, it snuck up on me.  While I was doing my shopping and getting some last minute gifts-- minding my own business--it hit me. 

My eyes had fallen on that old-fashioned ribbon candy.  You know the kind I am talking about?  It's been around for years and it reminded me instantly of my grandmother, Mom.  We used to spend every Christmas with her and Pop and by "we" I mean my family and me.  Although there hasn't been a Christmas with Mom--nor the rest of the family--in quite some time, there Grief was, sneaking into my calm, and twisting the knife ever-so-ungently into my heart.  Smiling wistfully, I took just a moment to recall Mom and the love that woman made me feel.  I miss her.  Still.

I shook it off and dared the tear to escape from my eye.  Nope, not gonna do it.  This season of melancholy is nothing new but it is definitely something all too familiar--and unwanted.  Boldly, I made the decision to be happy and leave the past where it belonged.  So, I walked forward a few more steps and there they were:  

  Clyde would get me and Ash and Nuna a box of these each year. This year I won't be receiving them.  Another tear threatened to burst out of my eyes and I almost gave into it this time.  The memories of past Christmases and all of those loved ones who are gone sometimes is just too much!

While I know it is okay to cry sometimes, to miss those who left us, and to be just plain sad I also know that the devil loves nothing more than to steal my--and your--joy. If he can get our eyes off of Christ and all of the excitement over the celebration of His birth then he's pretty excited about that.  Eyes on us and ol' Satan is beyond happy.  Eyes on Christ and the story of His redeeming love and oh no:  Slew Foot is enraged.  So, he brings up loved ones, sweet times, and happy memories and then tries to turn them into bitter remembrances instead, making us recollect the sadness and the loneliness and the heartache--things he himself is full of instead of the joy of Christ.

So, here's what I propose instead, what I purpose, and what I invite you to do with me:  let's take back Christmas!  Let's let those memories have their place but let's not dwell on them.  Let's allow those tasty candies and cookies to be sweet to our mouths and not bitter to our bellies.  Those songs and carols?  Reflect on Whom they are about rather than that being Momma's favorite and making us think of her more than the Christ Child.  And when we gather with those we still have?  Yeah, let's take a moment or two to remember but mostly let's take several moments to praise the Saviour Who through His unprecedented gift allows us the hope of reconciliation.  Sound good?  I think so too!

Let's pray!

Father, as I come before You now, I want to take the time to focus on You.  What a sacrifice You made when You allowed for Jesus to come to earth!  What pain that must have caused You!  The separation must have been extreme, as You watched Your Son come to earth to bridge the gap that was severed so long ago.

Thank You.  I know I say these words often but Lord God?  I especially mean them today.  Yeah, my heart has been hurt and I have faced betrayal and separation too but not anything compared to what You have.  And because You permitted Christ to come, like You I too will one day be reunited with those whom I've loved and lost.  Thank You for this unspeakable gift!  Thank You.