Seasons in the Sun

It happened two nights ago and I am still trying to recover from the effects.  It was such an innocent, everyday comment, but one that has left such a foul taste in my mouth that I don't think all the bottles of Listerine could wash it away.

I became "That Woman."  I shudder even now as I recollect it.  For you see, I had always held myself to a higher standard and vowed to not be one of "Those Women."  I can barely get the words out because I am feeling so much loathing and disgust at me.

"Whatever happened, Stef?" you must be wondering.  I'll tell you, but it ain't going to be pretty.

A friend of mine has cancer.  Again.  She beat it the first time (this was before I knew her) and has had quite the testimony since.  How I admired this lady on so many levels and envied the friendships she had--one in particular.  As she and I became friends, we never quite made it to that high level she had with this other woman but I always admired her, always enjoyed her company, and always deep in my heart hoped that one day we would.

That day never came.  Do you believe that there are "seasons in life" that we go through?  I used to think that was such a cliche` but as I age, I find it holds true in so many ways.  Our paths soon stopped crossing and through the past years, we only see each other on occasion and then, it's only in passing.  We'd say the polite things one is supposed to when faced with old acquaintances--and mean them, because there was a genuine love there that didn't just disappear.  However, that pull for more, for another meeting with just the two of us to catch up, to talk about our kids and grandkids, church, husbands, and such just wasn't strong enough.  I'd still feel that twinge, though, after seeing her.  Sigh.

So, back to the present, when I heard of her awful battle being warred again, I hurt.  I felt so sorry for her.  I wanted to reach out, to call, to write, to even drop by for a visit but...but I didn't.  I didn't know if I'd be welcomed because--and here's where it gets tricky, friends--it takes an awfully special person to visit with those who are sick, bereft, and needy.  What if I couldn't be that person?  What if my own limitations held me back from being what she needed?  I put off the phone calls.  Put off the sending of a card.  I still prayed for her and wondered about her and devoured each piece of intel I'd hear about her.  And then, BAM, it happened and I turned into that wretched woman.  

I saw her daughter two nights ago and after the casual hellos were said, I asked about her mom.  Then (gulp!) I said to her "Will you please tell her I said hello and that I am thinking of her?"

The moment--the second!!--the words started spilling from my lips I wanted to retract them.  How dare I place that responsibility on this young lady who probably hears those words so many times she could scream and inwardly is thinking how fake all of these so-called friends are who won't take the time to say those words personally to the soul who needs to hear them the most?!  Why should she have to do this chore?  How dare people like me be so callous and insincere and still have the gall to call ourselves Christians?  I hold myself in contempt and am so furious with me that I cannot bear it.

Naturally, the devil has since mocked me and beaten me down and tried to make me even more miserable.  After letting him win a few rounds, I decided to fight back.  I got my cards out.  I picked out a special one and wrote the words I hope will touch my friend to show her that I truly do care.  I confess my fault to you and to my Lord that I have not been doing the work that He called me to do.  I bow my head in shame as I write these words but am gradually raising it because I am doing the right thing now as I reach out to my sister.  I'll let you know if she accepts my right hand back into fellowship.

Let's pray.

Dear Father, as I ponder these actions from the past few days and throw in the attacks that the devil sent to further cast me down, I thank You for raising me back up.  I was in a sad state yesterday as I thought of this, as well as the other friend I said goodbye to, at a memorial service.  Out of the blue, You sent me two of Your finest soldiers.  The first came to my right and unknowingly lifted me up with her light and cheery disposition.  The second came a few minutes later, with her quiet sensitivity and support that she didn't even know she was giving.  And then, finally, last night at church, You surrounded me with that great cloud of witnesses and filled my heart with so much love and sense of belonging to replace the hole left from not so very long ago.

What a tremendous God You are!  And not to leave any of Your kids out, I was reminded that there were three more who had my back, so to speak, but didn't realize what all the load on it was.  They kept me up with their prayers to You on my behalf and let me stand without buckling, Father.  

Lord?  I know I fail You so very often.  Thank You for giving me more opportunities to do it right.  May I ever learn and strive to be more like Jesus is my prayer today.  I ask it in His name.  Amen.