Living Inside Myself

It's been said that a picture is worth a thousand words. But--just in case you can't see that I am troubled--I added a few more to let you in on my inner thoughts this afternoon. For you see, I am a mess. A mess and a half. A conundrum of emotions and I keep fluctuating between being overwhelmed and underwhelmed by these feelings. Why can't I just be whelmed?!

It all started out innocently enough. At church, during meet and greet time, a lovely lady told me she had read my blog the other day and that she enjoyed it (here's the overwhelmed part). But then she went on to say she'd probably never find it again and basically, "Oh well." I'm sure she didn't mean it like that but the seed was planted. It didn't mean enough for her to check out again. Strike one to my pride.

Later, after the service was nearly over, I was confounded at how irate I was. Ooh, I'm telling you: I was furious!! As the pastor said his final prayer, I found myself wanting to run to the altar to rid myself of this anger, this fury, this self-loathe that was coursing through my blood. No, I wasn't mad at her. She was just a catalyst and unfortunately, I was an easy target this morning. Earlier I had been discussing with a nice couple in the back the year of 2008 and what a roller coaster it had been for me as being one of the worst years of my life (my dad died, my dear sister a month later passed, my church fell apart, and my grandmother died over Thanksgiving) and the start of one of the most wonderful events of my life as my first grandson was born. That Satan's a sly one, isn't he? He was preparing all along to take me down today. So, perhaps this was strike one and the indirect indifference was strike two?

Well, instead of rushing to the altar, I went on about my way and found a way to unintentionally hurt another soul with my own careless remark. Ugh!! See what I mean in my picture about "despising my own behavior?!" I made a jab at someone I love dearly and later--of course later for what kind of a Christian would I be if I considered my words before saying them--saw the flicker in her eyes as I made my offhand remark that was mostly meant in fun but...

No buts, Stef. You shouldn't have said it at all.

Yeah. I know. And I am truly deeply ashamed.

So, on we go. We say our goodbyes and hit the road. On the way to lunch, I discussed with Steve these things and of course, he was there to witness my hateful remark and to agree that I had most likely pricked this dear soul. Meanwhile the chorus to DC Talk's "In the Light" is running over and over and over through my head:

What's going on inside of me?

I despise my own behavior

This only serves to confirm my suspicions

That I'm still a man in need of a Savior

As well as the chorus, this second verse (that actually yesterday punctuated my own wicked heart as I attempted to null the feelings of bitterness ravaging my soul as it often does this time of the year) sang in my ears:

The disease of self runs through my blood

It's a cancer fatal to my soul

Every attempt on my behalf has failed

To bring this sickness under control

Knowing the devil's tricks, knowing his tactics, I told Steve I wasn't going to fall victim to them, wasn't going to revisit old haunts, and was surely going to apologize to this woman I hope will still be my friend. I boldly sang "I am strong. I am invincible" but the conviction wasn't quite there. For I am not strong in myself. I am not invincible (maybe if my good friend Vince was closer he could help me out some!). Kidding. But then again, maybe a good talk with an old friend who isn't afraid to call me out on my behaviour, maybe a good kick in the rear from a trusted buddy who loves me enough to confront my issues, and maybe an understanding soul to go break some bottles against a rock wall to get this surprising anger out of my soul would help a lot.

Or, maybe just a little talk with Jesus can make it right? Maybe a closer walk with Him as I pour my hurts out to Him instead of on to someone else? Maybe a hefty re-reading of fortifying scriptures would be the best medicine? He's here. Virginia, Beth, and Vince aren't. And truthfully, if they were? They could help but only He can make it right. I need You to make me right, Lord!

Let's pray!

Dear dear Lord. My heart is so heavy. My eyes are filled with tears of shame and bitterness and rage. Why am I so mad!? You know. And I do too. I should be past these things, God. I should not be lessened by them. Their power to hurt me should not be as great as it is today.

Oh God! Help me. I've been confronted already this day by too many things that are trying to trip me up. I don't want to fall, Lord! I don't want to keep stumbling. I want to run this race, Father, but my feet, my load, my physical ability (or lack of) is preventing me from moving forward. I can barely stand, much less crawl. Turn me around, pick me up, undo what I've become. Bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace. I need You, I need Your help. I can't do this myself. You're the only one Who can undo what I've become.

Undo me, Father, in the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.