Who was it that just recently wrote about not putting on the whole armor of God so that she would be better prepared for life's little darts? Oh yeah: it was me!!
Yesterday, it happened again. Sigh. Where oh where are my spiritual vitamins, my energy shots that so fill me with the Spirit that I am able to instantaneously ward off these unexpected little nothings that when, thrown together, create such a chaos in my heart?
I guess you could attribute it to a number of items. I am still recovering from my horrid summer cold that has left my defenses--both physical and mental--in a lessened state. Combine that with not taking a nap and deciding it would be a great idea to go out to eat at a nice restaurant with the family. Add one waiter who was a bit too friendly, a bit too touchy (I just cannot stand for another man other than my husband to touch me!!). Lastly, throw in a woman who made my third year of teaching absolute hell at times and voila! There you have it. A recipe for disaster.
Well, maybe that's a bit extreme. Maybe.
Seeing this woman--again--really set me off. Funny though: for some reason, God keeps putting her in my path. Oh no, not on a regular basis. But frequently. I doubt sincerely she has any clue as to the effect seeing her smarky face does to me. Occasionally on these "meetings" our eyes would meet and I'd see a faint glimmer of "Don't I know you from...?" See, that's how it is in Satan's wars: usually the ones who harm us the most have no clue, no indication of the turmoil they have thrown us into.
Recognizing this and dealing with it are two of my peeves at this time. I have forgiven this woman for the pain she caused me. Right? Didn't I? I mean, seriously, it was ten years ago and surely during that time of angst that I went through as I mourned the loss of teaching, surely somewhere in that time I forgave her. Right?
Sigh. Guess not, Stef. Otherwise the Good Lord wouldn't keep putting her in your sights every so often. For if you had dealt with it, why the tribulation upon seeing her? Why the need to get out of the same air that she breathes? She can't hurt you anymore. Unless you let her. Unless you allow those memories of her power trip with you as her kicking stone to permeate your mind and soul. How much longer are you going to do that, Stef? The only power she has over you is the power you give to her. And, didn't we already agree that she most likely doesn't have an inkling of an idea of what she did to you?
Okay, God: let's do it again. With purpose. I'm so tired of falling lately, especially when I am just minding my own business and trying to stay out of conflict's way. My defenses were down and I again need to remind myself to put on my proper attire each day, each time I step out of my little world, each time I am faced with life. Here goes.
Dear God,
I am sorry for the poor witness I was to my family yesterday when I saw this woman and made haste to leave the restaurant before she could see me. I must remember that she professes to be Your child and regardless of the demons she created in my soul, she has her own to deal with. I don't need to be one of them. I don't need to confront her with the fact that she made my life miserable all those years ago. What good would come from that? What good would come from me finally facing her instead of running each time I see her? You and I both know how my mouth gets me into so much trouble!
Help me, God, to forgive her. You put her in my path once again last night and I do not understand why but maybe it's to remind me that I get too haughty in my belief that I am able to stand without You. I didn't realize I was in my own strength rather than relying on Yours to get me through each step of my journey.
I release my hurts she caused me into Your hands, Father. I examine myself as well to see, to think of those harms I caused to Your children unknowingly. Help me to be a peacemaker, a peace sower. Help me to rely solely on You, minute by minute, as I meander my way through each day. Thank You for Your forgiveness, Your tolerance, and Your patience with me. Remind me as often as needed, Lord, that I can't even walk without You holding my hand--and tongue!
In Jesus' Name I pray. Amen.
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