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July 20
Guess who messed up--again? Yep, it was me. Oh where is my darling grandson Connor to say "It's my fault!" and get me out of this jamb?
It all started over something stupid. Doesn't it usually happen this way? It's the little things in life that make the biggest messes. Sigh. What a wasted evening that should have been spent laughing and loving. Instead, it ended before it began and heartbreak and ache was left in its wake.
In less than 30 minutes, I undid all the good that I have been trying to do with my life. Knowing I should just keep my mouth quiet, instead I gave in to the flesh and got into an argument with someone I love more than I can explain. She was itching for a fight and though I warned her I wasn't going to participate, I did. I was foolish and my testimony was shot. All of the great advice, all of the great wisdom, all of the letting the Spirit lead me flew out of the window as we raged against one another. That still, small voice became even smaller, even quieter as the two of us voiced our hurts and needs to one another, accusing each other of things that just aren't so, and acting like stupid little kids instead of the grown women that we are.
Sigh. Why? Why didn't I just stay quiet? Or walk away? Why didn't I just keep my big mouth shut? Why did I keep trying to explain how I am not the same person, how I have changed, how I have grown? I guess I was frustrated that she couldn't--wouldn't-- see it. This then begs the question: can she see what isn't there? Ouch. Self-examination time again.
How can the written Stef be so much different than the virtual one? Why are my actions in my head and heart not matching up to those of my mouth and attitude? Oh wretched woman that I am: Who shall deliver me from the body of this death! The spirit is willing; the flesh is weak. Out of the same mouth pours blessing and cursings. Oh sure, now the words of God come to me. Where were they last night when I needed them?
They were there. They were there, Stef. You couldn't hear them though because you weren't listening for them. You thought you could handle this. Guess you showed you, huh? Yeah. I am the woman. The wretched woman. Heavy sigh.
In the end, we "worked" things out and came to a mutual understanding. We agreed to implement the Golden Rule to each other. We said we loved each other and wanted to stay a part of one another's lives. But how many more kinks can our individual battle gear stand? How many darts to the heart can we take, can we throw before one of them hits it final mark? Does it have to get that extreme again? Certainly not! But I guarantee you the devil will do all that he can to see that it does.
I need to pray.
Oh God. Oh my dear God. What a mess I was last night and what a mess I made of things. I embarrassed You and let You down when I didn't just walk away from a situation that I knew would not end well. How do You keep putting up with me?! Sometimes I think I get a little mad at You for not forcibly shutting my mouth and keeping me from using it to spread things that are hurtful.
I am so sorry. I am sorry I shamed You. I am sorry that I didn't apply Your teachings and put into practice the things I have been preaching. I'm sorry for not being the bigger person and for being a better example.
As today goes on and You give me yet another opportunity to do better, I pray that I will. But I need You! I cannot do it alone and I cannot undo what harm was caused in the past. Please please fill my heart with new love, new mercies, new compassions as I strive to be a daughter of the King, a daughter who represents You so much better than I did last night.
Thank You for another chance to get it right. Please help me get it right, I pray, in Jesus' name. Amen.
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