Nothing can separate you from His love. No thing. Wander with me for a few moments as I ponder this.
My grandson will be starting kindergarten in a few short weeks. For the past five years, he has been a staple in my life and very few things have kept us apart from seeing each other several days a week. Thankfully, he has lived most of his life only minutes away (two to be exact) from me and I have had so many opportunities to see him if not on a daily basis, then surely several times throughout the week. When he was still quite young, I had the privilege of babysitting him for several hours a day while his mama was in school and daddy was at work. Oh the fun we had! The memories we made. The things we taught one another. The love that was like no other that I was able to finally get a taste of through God's use of this tiny little boy being in my life.
Surely I have loved before. Being a wife has allowed me to experience first-hand the beauty of being the one woman my husband is loyal to, is faithful to, is dedicated to. And as a mother I was blessed beyond measure to have a daughter who opened my eyes to so many delights of parenthood and this experience taught me so much about how my God really loves me versus how earthly parents allege to love their kids. But as a grandmother? I was able to combine these illustrations of love into something I finally got right. So many mistakes I made as a spouse. Please don't even ever ask my daughter how many I made as a parent!
But now? Now, I have it right. I got my practice in on my Pooky. I learned my love lessons from my hubby. Being a granny has opened up a whole new world for me because I know. Like the verse about being a child, speaking like a child, thinking like a child? Now I am a grown up and I indeed can love like I have been loved. I can reflect what has been mirrored to me through my family and shine it back on to both of my grandsons. And I am so much better at it!!
However, (don't you just hate those "howevers" in life? They imply something bad is about to happen.), my life is about to change. I am about to face separation of the cruelest kind (or at least the kind that makes my heart break because I am about to lose so much that is dear to me). Walker begins school, as I mentioned above, and his little head is already categorizing me and my place in his life. He told me the other day, "Granny, when I start school, I am going to not see you that much. Maybe on weekends when we don't have plans; or, on Sundays after church I can see you." Hear that thud? That was my heart falling to the ground!
Separation. Separation anxiety. And I am just his granny! Imagine how Mama must feel?? But let's get the focus back where it belongs: on me!
Will he be loved by this new woman who will replace us? Will she appreciate the wonderful ways he has about him? Will she be sensitive to his needs, his intelligence, his temperament...
I could drive myself crazy with all of the wanderings going through my head and heart. I could worry each and every day about his journey into the world and will the world eat him up or will they think him as delightful as I do? I could...on and on and on my thoughts go. And then I am reminded: nothing can separate us from the love of God. The love of God. God. No thing can separate Walker from the love of his Father, the Father Who loves him even more than I do. Deep sigh.
God, I have to release Walker into this world. I cannot be there to see firsthand his triumphs and his failures. I cannot make sure he plays fairly and in return is treated fairly. I cannot make sure he minds his manners, that he listens when spoken to, that he cleans up as he goes along as I tried to instill in him. I cannot do a thing for him while he is away from my care except...except release him to You. He isn't mine anyways. Gulp. That is so hard for me to acknowledge but I've known it was true. Known it since day one. You let me borrow him sometimes and oh, how I appreciate those times, Lord!
In a few days, he will be out of my sight. Out of my care. He's growing up and Granny is being left behind. I won't see him as much as the world makes its mark and takes his time away from me. But You will be there, Father. You will not be separated from him. You will guard him, remind him, love him. No thing will keep You from him--or me. I must trust in Your love and rest in it. Rest? Yeah, Granny Stef: rest. Trust. You are not in charge.
Okay, Lord. I rest. I resign myself, my Walker, to Your care. I still have visitation rights, right? On those Sundays after he gets out of church, and those days and nights that they don't have plans. By golly, I'll just have to make some plans so he doesn't forget me entirely! No, that will not happen. The love I have for him, he returns to me. I know it. I will keep sowing and keep reaping. He will still teach me and I will still teach him. Time may separate us but the love You put in us will not deter from the world's cares.
Thank You, Father. Sigh. The tears I know will still come, as will the lonely hours that I won't have with him. Separation is tough but it will teach me to value the moments I do get with him. Plus, it will give me more alone time with Connor, to recreate (like the Six Million Dollar Man: better, faster, stronger) moments as I impart in him the love that I have for my other sweet boy. Then, in two more years, we can do this again!
I love You, God. Thank You for not separating Yourself from me, from my loved ones. May our love only grow stronger is my prayer. Amen.
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